


Inflection Point

by JammyJamFan



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-06-03 08:35:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19460314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JammyJamFan/pseuds/JammyJamFan
Summary: It feels like Deja Vecu...only it's reality. Jane Rizzoli on a bridge...again, Maura Isles not close enough to grab her...again.Definitely will be cliffhangers. Reviews appreciated.





	1. Chapter 1

**Inflection Point - CHAPTER 1**

* * *

_"_ _This time let me save you."_

It was almost a picture perfect image of last time.

Wild dark mane in a ponytail, windblown against the darkened sky. A determined pale and terrified face barely lit from the lights around. The odd silence surrounding them.

The blackness below and that eerie sound of water battering against itself.

Maura stands back, too far away to grab Jane. Jane who stands, once again, perilously close to the abyss below which seems to call out to her.

Last time Jane had told Maura to stay back. She wasn't planning to jump, only talk someone else out of jumping, and she had to do it alone.

Maura can remember the words Jane used... _"_ _I can bring Dani's killer to justice. I can do that. Okay. Please help me do that. Doesn't she deserve that?"_

Jane was successful and the man had decided to live instead of jump. He had begun to make his way back to safety, along the ledge and over the guard rail, only to loose his footing and slip, falling into the murky waters and strong undercurrents below that dragged him out to sea.  
Jane had looked for him but he was gone, so she jumped in after him without thinking of herself. And Maura had spent the rest of the night on the bridge hoping just to hear her friend had survived.  
Against all odds, Jane not only survived, but also saved the man she had been pursuing.  
Jane's swimming skills and some sort of miracle from God, or the mercy of some writer, had brought Maura and Jane back together.  
That was last time...but it was not quite the same...  
Close but not quite.

First and most important was Jane was not choosing to stand next to the rail of this bridge and stare into the water below.

It was also a vastly different bridge, far from the city lights and the sounds of the port.

This bridge was smaller, wooden and was not as high above the water.

Below was a stream, usually flowing slow enough to kayak down, but because it was the middle of winter, the water was powerful and chaotic, sounding like the growl of thunder. The rails and road surface were coated in a fine white powder.

The water below was still black and loud like it was angry, like the water was fighting against the miserable cold as a way to not freeze over completely.

Maura could see a few icy boulders along the edge of the stream and patches of white foam where the water had a calm moment trapped in a spot between two currents.

She shivered at the thought of the icy water, it looked like the coldest water she had ever seen.

Looking quickly back toward Jane who looked freezing cold as well, not dressed for the weather, not planning to be standing outside on a bridge that evening.

The man to the right of Jane, gun still trained on her, his breath huffs of white steam.

Maura took a half step closer, not that she could save Jane, just like last time, but just to be closer, as close as she could. It had to be different than last time. She couldn't go through that again. That waiting. That guilt. That fear.

The man saw the movement and glared at Maura without moving, a sign to stay put.

He is a big guy, solid built. Hat hiding his short brown hair and his trench coat hiding everything else.

Maura freezes like the moisture in the air around them which is slowing forming snowflakes that land in her hair and on her clothing.

"I can't bring her back." A gravelly broken and pained voice sounds like a cry against the noise around them, and it is almost instantly lost in the roar of the water. But both Maura and Darren heard it clearly before it was gone.

Darren looks lost for a moment, eyes distant and gun forgotten, before the anger returns as forcefully as the sounds around them.

Maura holds her breath as she watches any hope on Jane's face die in that moment. She isn't sure which 'who' Jane is referring too, perhaps either, or both.

Jane hadn't been able to talk her way out of this.

"Someone has to pay." Darren says sounding convinced of his actions.

Jane shakes her head slowly, soft curls waving around her face, "This won't change anything."

Darren stares at her. And Jane stares back. Maura watches between the two of them, feeling as helpless as the last time when she just knew something completely terrible was going to happen.

"Please." Her own voice sounds weak and she is sure it is lost into the background before it could be heard.

But Jane turns to look at her anyway, features changing and already apologizing for what might be about to happen.

Jane could always apologize with just one look, concerned and pained and regretful all at once.

"Don't hurt her." Maura begs holding back tears, tears that would burn her eyes and cheeks as they forced their way against the freezing air around them, perhaps turning solid before they reached her chin.

She watches Jane swallow, puffs of white air come out her nostrils, and she hangs her head. Neither have any control.

Darren growls as he turns towards Maura. With his face now slightly less profile she can make out his cold blue irises. They weren't always that blue, its that the whites of his eyes are bloodshot that causes them to appear more blue than before. Blue, the blue that was exactly like ones in the picture she had held of his 8 year old daughter. Eyes that would haunt her for days.

She saw them more than she could bear, they were on the top of the homicide board when Emilys body had been found. They were on her morgue table. They were on the news as the public were asked for information on anyone that had seen her in the days before her disappearance and murder.

And during the investigation, the almost identical pair had walked into the morgue to identify their dead child. Those same eyes that stared at her now. They weren't angry then, they were grief stricken, wide with disbelief, and then uncontrollably flooded with salt-water, perhaps as much as the ocean held.

That had been twelve weeks ago.

Darren and his wife Silvia had sobbed and begged God to somehow undo this tragedy, they had waited for the murderer to be caught, and then they had finally gone home to their empty home that would forever after be one member short of a complete family.  
No one knows how family will move on, everyone moves on differently, but Silvia never did.  
She spent four days wailing on Emilys bed, refusing to eat, refusing to communicate.  
And when she finally left the pink princess room filled with dolls and bears and all the wonders an 8 year old can find, she walked almost a mile, to the quiet bridge at the end of the road, and threw herself into the waters below.  
She could have survived but it seems she didn't have the will to try.  
She died before the trial even started.

That was in autumn...now it was winter.

Now the water was fierce, not calm.

Jane watches Maura carefully, they both know this bridge from the report, from the news, and from the small white cross and bouquets of wilted flowers placed at the start of it.

They had both known the significance of the site when Darren had called and asked Jane to meet him there.

A grieving widower who lost his only child requesting to meet the woman that captured the murderer at the location his wife committed suicide. Jane had gone because of course she would. She would help in any way possible. He had sounded upset, hurting. Maura had gone for support.

Neither had expected him to pull a gun on her.

But Darren had taken the second loss as sign that he had failed his wife. For a while as he grieved them both he could beat himself up and hate himeself. But when the hearing ended and he was alone with time to think, he found he couldn't bear the pain anymore and had to find someone else to take the blame. To become the failure that was too great for him to bear alone.

It could have been anyone, someone from his past, someone from their circle of friends.

It can't be all his fault if there was someone else to take some of it.

And that someone is Homicide Detective, Jane Rizzoli.

Jane wasn't a friend, or family, she was only someone he had spent a great deal of time with during the two most painful events of his life that hit one on top of the other.

So Jane became his scapegoat. The fall guy. A survival kit so he could retain his sanity for a little longer.

The murderer was locked up for the next 15 years to life.

And Darren needed someone that could take away all the pain he felt inside...for awhile. If he could throw it at Jane, even a quarter of it, then maybe it would stop it eating him alive.

She could at the very least have done more.

Darren looks at Maura with the same anger he did Jane.

"You think I could plead with my daughters killer to not hurt her. You think if I had begged then she would still be alive?"

Maura shakes her head, catching Jane's concerned look out the corner of her eye.

"What about my wife...do you think that begging would have saved her?"

Jane looked afflicted, unsure how to intervene in this unexpected interrogation of Maura with the gun still in her direction. Darren momentarily distracted.

Maura looks between Darren and Jane before biting her lip.

Darren growls and shakes his head, "You don't know anything about pain. You don't know what it's like to loose everything."

"That wasn't her fault, Jane was helping you."

Jane holds her breath. Deciding on how to deal with this.

"She didn't save anyone." Darren bites tipping the gun towards Jane.

"She caught him...the man that killed your daughter. Jane caught him. Stopped him."

"My wife...and my daughter..." Darren's lip quivers slightly, "They're still gone."

"He...he can't hurt anyone else. He can't hurt anyone else's kid."

Maura knows it sounds weak even though it's the truth. I doesn't change anything for Darren. And in his mental confusion, Maura isn't sure logic will reach the man. She isn't convinced anything that is said here will stop Darren.

"I lost two...two. Is one enough."

It's the type of question Maura doesn't understand, but Jane get's his distorted logic.

"Look at me Darren." Jane growls softly, "Forget her, this is about me."

He turns back to Jane still processing his thoughts.

"It's me you want, I'm here. I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to help you?"

"No." Maura steps forward only to be stopped by Jane raising her hand towards Maura and giving her a firm look. Stay. Just stay right there and be quiet.

Jane looks back at Darren who's focus is back on Jane as well.

"Jump." Darren says coolly his eyes darker and face tight.

Maura shakes her head.

Darren raises the gun higher and Jane raises her hands in surrender.

"There is no other way?" Jane asks softly, her voice so calm Maura is convinced Jane isn't afraid at all.

Darren shakes his head and Jane chances a glance at Maura who puts her hands over her mouth to hold back a scream.

Her brain is numb except for the word 'No' which echos through her mind in time with her heartbeat. She wants to do something other than stand there watching but she can't think of what she could do.

Darren looks in the direction of Maura briefly, angry yet disinterested in the unseen interaction.

Jane gives Maura a soft half smile. Her teeth bright against the moonlight and then vanishing behind a huff of white breath. A sliver of hope because of that smile, Maura hopes it's Jane's way of saying _everything will be fine and I have a plan so don't worry_ , not something more sinister, like, _remember me this way because you won't see me again and I will miss you._

And despite the freezing air that causes Jane to look like she might be starting to freeze, goosebumps and a red nose and her eyes glassy from the sharp air, she looks amazing and calm. The opposite of how Maura feels inside.

So calm that for a moment Maura feels it too, like it's just the two of them in a bubble of safety that nothing can ever penetrate, a warmth, a connection.

"Now." Darren growls with a frown so deep his forehead is grooved with tiny shadows.

Jane turns to look at him sadly, like she pities him. And she probably does, because the sentence handed down to the murderer of his child by a jury was unjust enough that Jane lost it in the elevator. The doors opened with a very ruffled Jane inside, messy hair, untucked blouse, a broken phone and a crumpled coffee cup in it's own puddle on the floor by her feet. Korsak and Maura allowed Jane to exit the elevator and walk past them both without a word. Because they all felt it. They never talked about it, what was the point. But none felt it quite like Darren. Darren who watched the trial amidst burring his dead wife and daughter only a few days apart from each other. Darren who watched the cause of both deaths escorted back to his cell smiling at his own sentence.  
It should have been the death penalty. Anything less wasn't enough for a man that brutalized and then killed a child showing no remorse. But the admissible evidence would never be strong enough, witnesses had lied, alibis were too strong despite being false, and lawyers twisted truths to garner sympathy.

Darren swings his arm so the gun points at Maura.

"Ok." Jane says with a nod and pulls herself carefully over the handrail. All the places Jane touches wipe away the snow revealing the green paint underneath.

Jane shuffles carefully keeping a tight grip, her fingers white from the cold.

Maura shakes her head slowly, she can't believe this is happening, she can't believe Jane is getting closer to danger.

Jane leans over the edge to look at the swirling water below, she knows it will be cold, it will take her breath away instantly. She knows once the cold hits, it will be hard to swim, to fight, to get to safety.

Jane looks back at Darren, "I'm so sorry for everything, Darren."

Darren doesn't speak, or move. He waits impatiently tapping his foot against the ground grinding his teeth together.

Jane glances back at Maura, "I'm so sorry. I love you."

Maura can feel the tears burn down her cheeksas she struggles to speak, "I...I l-love you t-too J-jane."

Jane turns to look down again, searching, not for a person this time, but for the safest possible place to land, if there is one.

And then she leans out, only her arm holding her from dropping.

And then she jumps.

"Jaaaannnne." Maura screams.

But Jane is gone.

Maura can barely hear the splash over the roar of the water.

Darren leans over the edge to look and Maura closes her eyes.

* * *

...to be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and thoughts...I'd be grateful for them. Thank you.

Maura stands at the back of the room, chewing her lower lip. Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to describe how she feels in this moment.

She silently pleads that no one talks to her, or even approaches her. Her crossed arms portray that to the few people that glance her way. She doesn’t recognize any of them. Comments around her seem to linger in the air.

“Aren’t the flowers beautiful.”

“She always liked lilies didn’t she.”

“So many people have come. How wonderful.”

“I’m sure she would have loved this.”

Maura scowls. She hates funerals. She works with death all the time, but dealing with loss is different entirely. Comments about the popularity or likes of the departed always frustrated her. She wants to tell everybody that the dead don’t care, they don’t have likes and dislikes anymore, they don’t have preferences...they are gone.

“Gone.” She whispers under her breath. The finality of the word always catching her in the back of the throat. Same as during the autopsies. Gone...just gone.

So final.

She feels so alone, so out of place. More so than the usual social awkwardness she would have to endure.

She glances around the room again. The minister is getting ready to speak. The coffin is near the front with flowers laid over the top. The front two rows are for immediate family but half the seats are empty. Although she does recognize a man near the front sobbing, face in his hands. An older woman’s hands are on his back rubbing circles.

Maura lets out a heavy sigh but stays where she stands at the back.

She won’t move closer, not on her own. Not by herself. As used to being alone as she was most of her life, now she dreads it.

Now she fights against it.

Loneliness is painful, suffocating...lonely.

The minister starts to speak.

“She was a dedicated woman who gave everything to what she believed in. Her family meant everything to her, and I am told by her family that she meant everything to them. She will be missed by those that loved her most.”

Maura drops her head to her chest. It’s those left behind that have it hardest. Those that leave have no more worries or fears.

“It is an unfortunate tragedy and loss of life for her family and friends. I cannot imagine the suffering.”

An arm slips around Maura’s waist and she jumps slightly and gasps in surprise.

“Sorry.” Whispered gruffly in her ear but the arm stays put.

Maura begins to turn but the arm tightens so she can’t turn. Instead a chin moves behind her and almost rests against the side of her head.

As comforting as it is, it is also abnormal.

“What’s wrong?” Maura whispers.

“Why does something have to be wrong?”

Maura can hear the brokenness in the tone, coming and going like waves on the sand.

“Because you are hiding from me, Jane.”

She can feel as well as hear the grunt by her ear, “No i’m not hiding.”

Maura turns her head enough to see the red nose and puffy eyes of her companion.

Jane has not been handling this tragedy well.

“It’s not your fault Jane. None of this is your fault.”

The arm around her waist tightens. It indicates to her that she is on the right track.

“Jane?”

“I should have known she wasn’t coping...I comforted her and I should have seen...guessed.”

“It wasn’t your job Jane. There are victim support councillors and social workers that look after the victims...your job is to solve the murder.”

“Then I failed...maybe if I had caught him by now.”

“You will Jane. You always do. And you can’t know that it would have changed anything or made a difference. You are doing everything you can.”

She can feel Janes body and relax.

“I’m glad you came.”

“I promised Darren I would. It’s bad enough he is going to have to bury his daughter without Silvia there now. It’s so hard on him. I couldn’t let him think he was alone in this too.”

“You’re a good person Jane. I hope you know that.”

“Thanks.” The voice whispers back without sounding convinced.

Jane tightens her arm giving Maura a gentle squeeze before letting go completely.

The pallbearers have just lifted the coffin and are about to walk past them. Darren and his parents are following behind the procession and an older couple that could be Silvia’s parents. The rest of the congregation start to exit their seats and follow in an orderly fashion.

Whispers pass them by, “Lovely Funeral.” “Such nice words.” “So sad.”

Jane and Maura watch as they all pass until they are the only ones remaining inside the building, except for the piano player who is still playing a melancholy tune for those that remain.

“I’m still not looking forward to your funeral.” Jane whispers out the side of her mouth.

“Because you’ll miss me.” Maura says with a soft smile turning sideways to look at Jane for the first time since she arrived.

“No.” Jane scowls, “Because I still hate boats.”

Maura’s smile drops and Jane turns to her, eyes large and sad and still bloodshot.

“I suppose I’d miss you a little bit too.”

Maura shakes her head and smiles, “I’d miss you a whole lot Jane.”

* * *

The look on Maura’s face stays with Jane until her entire body is submersed in water. Very very cold water. For a moment she can’t think at all, like her brain got left on the bridge. She had held her breath of course, right before she stepped off. When she begins to gasp frantically, she knows that’s not the case anymore.

But at least her head is above water, for now.

She can’t help it, gasping for air like she’s drowning and throwing her arms around to stay afloat.

She can only think, cold...so so cold.

It’s all cold.

Cold everywhere.

Her fingers and toes feel numb already and pins and needles shoot from the back of her skull down her body in waves.

This is worse than she could have imagined and she had had several minutes to really imagine this before she jumped.

And she had tried to think about what would happen and what she needed to do.

The ocean was cold...but absolutely nothing like this.

This extreme cold is like being shot everywhere at once. The numb painful stabbing...only everywhere. It is so overpowering that she struggles to just focus on breathing let alone thinking. Her body is reacting without her control. Gasping, struggling. And the more she struggles the more the cold moves towards her bones and splashes up her nose and in her mouth.

She wonders if she is even alive.

She gasps again and her mouth fills with water.

* * *

Darren scans the banks downstream of him but can’t see the detective, she has likely been swept downstream already. Her dark hair and clothing all but lost in the dark waters.

He can see far enough despite the falling snowflakes to know she hit the water and hasn’t made it out the side.

And by the time Darren turns around, Maura is gone.

He scans the bridge and the surrounding areas and finally catches the glimpse of grey jacket and blond hair bouncing away down steep hill path at the south end of the bridge and she heads down to the waters edge and into the darkness.

He wasn’t after Maura, she wasn’t even meant to be there. But he also doesn’t want her to interfere, and so he decides to follow her.

Down the embankment to the little path the runs by the waters edge. He spots the lonely bench seat now covered in fine white powder. He remembers the many times Silvia sat there watching Emily play. Feeding the ducks. Warmer weather when the stream was calm and tranquil, bubbling past with the odd popping noises of feeding fish, the quacking of ducks, the sounds of birds in the trees, the whistling of a breeze in the trees, and the sweet laughter of his wife and daughter. The sun shining like a happy hello and Silvia’s hair glowing in the light as she relaxed on the park bench surrounded by the sounds of nature and bright vibrant colors of spring.

And just like Darrens life, it had turned on it’s head.

Now black and angry and almost as wide as a river churning past surrounded by the bleakness of hibernation. Sharp wild branches bare of soft leaves. The silence and emptiness of natures wildlife. The bitter cold reminding those that notice of the loss of beauty.

Good memories now surpassed by dread, terror and darkness.

He looks up and Maura’s bobbing head has vanished into the darkness ahead of him.

He sighs in frustration as he begins to walk after her.

* * *

Maura is frantic, the coldness forgotten, she ignores the branches that claw at her face and arms even as she tries to duck and swerve away.

There is enough moonlight to make out the stream and at least half the obstacles on the path in front of her.

She stumbles more than once, but she wouldn’t stop even if she broke her ankle.

Her only thought is finding her friend. She might be the only one that can save Jane if she can find her in time.

Seconds feel like minutes and minutes like hours.

She knows Jane is stronger than most, but the body itself reacts to the cold by shutting down the peripheral muscles of the limbs to protect the core. The same muscles Jane would need to swim or to even stay afloat.

Exhaustion would set in quickly followed by unconsciousness.

And thats _if_ Jane didn’t drown because the shock causes uncontrolled breathing and gasping which can lead to water inhalation. There is also the increase in blood pressure and cardiac strain that occurs which can lead to cardiac arrest.

Maura knows that, survivable best case scenario, she has less than fifteen minutes to find Jane and pull her out of the water.

Maura runs faster, grateful she was wearing running shoes and not heels.

The path is overgrown and doesn’t always run parallel to the waters edge. Maura tries to keep her focus on the stream without ending up in it herself.

At times the bank is higher than the water making parts difficult to check, but Maura steps off the path and gets as close as she can to look down over the edge, she will check everywhere.

She can’t miss Jane, it was life or death.

As she runs, her foot catches a stone and she stumbles again grabbing a tree branch to keep herself upright.

She isn’t cold anymore, the blood pumping though her veins and the panic has her wanting to strip off layers, but her brain tells her there isn’t time.

The water is still rough and tumbling over itself, rushing the path of least resistance. The moonlight bouncing off rocks which glow white. There is still no sign of Jane and her heart feels heavier.

* * *

Jane feels like numbness is taking over altogether.

Her lungs are the only things she can feel and they are burning. Not the good burning...not the hot burning after a run...but just a painful burn.

Before she jumped she knew she would need to get to the side if she had any hope of surviving. She had made sure to launch herself as close to the bank as she could. The stream was about nine meters wide and she hoped she would only have to swim two of those meters. That was before her brain stopped rationalizing.

Right now all she was doing was keeping her head above water. If she could keep her shoulders above water as well then she wouldn’t loose heat too fast. She needed to reduce core heat loss.

Around her the edge of the bank is passing by quickly. Trees and rocks. At least she thinks they are trees.

She wonders how long she has been in the water already.

She knows her brain function is low already and if she doesn’t get a move on then she will be unconscious soon.

She forces her brain to focus on her limbs. She swings her arms around like a drowning breaststroke and tries to kick her legs. She can’t be sure she is doing what she is trying to until the edge of the stream gets closer to her. A foot at a time.

The hope it’s working helps her focus more. She grasps for the bank but can’t get a grip. It could be her hands aren’t working or her co-ordination is badly off...or both. A boulder white in the moonlight calls to her and she tries to grab it with both arms. Her arm bounces off and almost ends her completely underwater. No pain in her arm even though there should be.

She can hear her heartbeat slowing down and feels this is a losing battle. two choices now...keep trying to get out, or just try and stay warm. She tries to pull her legs to her chest wrap her arms around them. It was a tip they told her about last time. The heat loss prevention position or something. But the movement of the water tips her over almost putting her completely underwater.

She can’t feel anything now and her body is screaming for something. She can’t help but gasp at the air again.

‘No no no’ she growls at herself, ‘stay calm.’

She launches herself to the side again and she is so close.

A large rock starts approaching her at rapid speed and she can only stare at it. Close, closer, closest.

Black.

Spinning and gasping.

Coughing in water and out water.

She is suddenly so tired she just wants to close her eyes and sleep.

Painless and lost.

She closes her eyes.

* * *

She throws her arm upwards to protect her face from another branch, it misses her face but scratches her neck and pulls her hair.

The stream widens becoming less violent and Maura continues along the bank looking for anything out of the ordinary.

A branch catches her shoulder and she stumbles away catching her foot on a broken branch on the ground, she loses her balance, falling on outstretched palms.

It’s quick and painful but she pushes herself up onto her grazed knees rubbing her bruised elbow. She takes the moment to catch her breath. And to send up a silent prayer to whoever might be listening, perhaps to Jane’s God.

“Please, please help me find her. Please let her be okay.”

She doesn’t believe in miracles, but she is almost out of time and far too close to breaking down. If a prayer to something she doesn’t understand can keep her grounded and focused then she will do anything she can think of.

She takes a deep calming breath.

* * *

Jane can feel the change.

The water is moving past her instead of surrounding her.

She looks up and sees her hand is tangled in some weeds or grasses along the edge of the bank. She cannot feel her hand but she doesn't care. She has reached the bank. She is so close. So tired yet so so close.

She throws her other arm onto the bank and using both arms she pulls as hard as she can.

With every pull she feels the ground under her become more solid.

She claws at the mud to get a better grip because every inch helps.

She closes her eyes when they are too heavy to keep open.

The more she fights the more exhaustion takes over.

She reaches her arm one more time.

And then it all vanishes.

* * *

...to be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

"She was eight Maura, eight. Can you imagine."

"Imagine what Emily went through?"

"Yeah." Jane shakes her head as she says it but she doesn't mean 'no'. It's a combination of disgust and dismay. It's no longer a question, it never really was.

Maura purses her lips and frowns, she never understands when Jane's body language doesn't match what she says or means.

"And what her parents are going through now. Her father...I just...I can't stand it. Telling the parents that their daughter was dead was one thing..."

Jane shakes her head again and starts pacing the morgue, arms crossed in front of her.

The body had been found in the wee hours of the morning by a hiker and Jane had arrived at the scene first. By the time Maura arrived Jane was pale and angry. The anger had not subsided completely over the course of the morning but she had been able to hide it well.

"What did you tell them had happened to Emily, Jane?"

Jane looks up into Maura's eyes, as if the look conveys what she thinks, surprise.

"Only that we found her body...I haven't told them anything else yet. I couldn't...the case is still open...plus...I had to hear it from you first...you know...to be..well...certain."

"Certain?" Maura shakes her head. It was not really a guess when it was that obvious, not even by her book. Blood. Bruising. Missing underwear. One glance had made her sick to her stomach. No wonder Jane had been...upset. She had sat with the body alone for almost thirty minutes before anyone else showed up. Unable to touch her, cover her up. Forced to see, to notice, to draw conclusions based on what she could see, to get angry. Jane was never slow at jumping to conclusions, making factual conclusions. But perhaps it was telling the family she was procrastinating on. Which details, how much, when...once she had read them herself.

When Maura looks up Jane is watching her. When they make eye contact Jane looks away and swallows heavily. "I have to catch this guy Maura. This can never ever happen again."

Maura presses her lips together. Jane isn't asking for a response, or for help. There is nothing she can say to alleviate what Jane has seen and knows and feels. And it will probably be worse when Jane actually reads the file which has more details that what Maura had, only a few minutes ago, verbally summarized for Jane.

"This kind of thing makes me terrified to ever have kids." Jane says softly rubs her hand through her hair ruffling the curls around her shoulders as she lets out a heavy sigh.

This is how Jane vents, voicing her thoughts and frustrations, it's how she deals with her feelings so she can get back to doing her job, back to the case with a much clearer head.

"The mother, Silvia, spent an hour crying on me. Just sobbing. Her world has collapsed. I...just...there was nothing I could say. And now...now I have to give them details. Like...that the little girls underwear...like...that he...she..."

Maura walks around the table and towards Jane. It's not often her friend is quite so uncontrollably distressed.

Jane looks up at the movement and takes a step backwards, Maura stops in front leaving only one step between them. Plenty of space for Jane to decide if she requires physical comfort of not.

"I just don't think I can tell them what happened Maura."

Maura glances to her right, to the table, at the body of eight year old Emily Janet Carlton. The examination complete and every gruesome detail recorded onto the file that is in on the table right behind Jane.

"I can tell them if you like, Jane. I will talk to them for you."

Jane reaches out and puts her hand on Maura's shoulder, "Thank you, but, I really have to do this myself."

"Because it's your job?"

Jane shakes her head no and thinks for a moment, "Because, I guess I owe it to them. Because it's my case and they know me already. Because seeing how they react can only push me harder to catch the unsub."

Maura reaches her hand to her shoulder and rests it on Jane's hand, it's the closest she ever gets to Jane under similar stressful circumstances.

" _Harder_ doesn't seem possible from where i'm standing, Jane." She says softly letting Jane know that her effort is recognized.

Jane shrugs slightly, "Plus, Doctor Isles, he wouldn't understand a word you said with all your google-mouth medical terms."

Jane appears completely serious but the stress and tension is gone from her face and body language and Maura smiles at Jane who smiles back subtly.

They hold eye contact for a moment before Jane breaks it by looking down.

Maura leans towards Jane who glances back up bewildered. Maura reaches past Jane and picks up the file. She pulls it back towards herself and holds it at her chest.

Jane frowns slightly, confused by Maura's behavior.

"I wish I didn't have to give this to you." Maura says without taking her eyes off Jane.

Jane studies her back, "Why?"

Maura looks down at the ground, "Because it is better for you physically if you aren't angry. Healthier. I miss you when you're so...upset."

Maura drops her hands holding the file between them. Jane could easily take it if she wanted.

"I have to catch the man that did this, Maura, you know that."

"And you will Jane. You always do. But...I..."

Jane puts her hand on the file over Maura's hand and holds both the hand and file in her own.

"I don't like it when you're upset."

Jane squeezes Maura's fingers. She understands. She is grateful.

"Ok." Jane whispers simply as if that word somehow means something crucial.

Maura looks up into soft pools of brown. The softest she has seen in days. She wishes she could turn on and off emotions like her friend can.

"Really?" Maura questions not quite believing it could be so easy.

Jane shrugs, "You're right. I need to focus and anger stops that happening. I don't like feeling upset myself you know...but I really don't want it affecting those around me."

Maura almost laughs. Jane had never come across as considerate to the point of self sacrifice before and it seemed bizarre. But there it was. Right in front of her.

"Thank you." Jane says with a smile slipping the file out of Maura's hands and turning for the door.

"Let me know if you find anything on those other samples you're running." She calls over her shoulder.

"Of course Jane. If I find anything that helps the case I will let you know straightaway."

Jane pauses in the doorway before turning back. "Are you going home tonight Maur?"

Maura shakes her head, "Not until I have run every sample and there is nothing else I can do here."

Jane nods, she understands. Maura doesn't show how she is affected on the outside by this case, but her dedication to it is how she deals with her feelings. It's how she does with every case and every detail. Jane hadn't realized this at first but eventually she noticed the later Maura stayed the more affected by it she was.

Thats something they both have in common.

When the need arrises...a good nights sleep is not an option.

Jane has not even been home in two days. She has showered at the BPD gym and forced her Ma to bring her clean clothes from her apartment. Maura has gone home only because she can't concentrate if she doesn't feel comfortable. _Immaculate_ Jane would call it. Either way, to give it 110% she does have to shower and change at her own home.

"I will order takeaways for us then?"

"Something healthy for me please."

Jane snorts and then turns and laughs letting the door swing closed behind her, grateful she can always leave these sorts of conversations feeling better, and most importantly, calm and collected...re-energized and full of vigor.

* * *

CHAPTER 3

* * *

Darren doesn't stress about finding Maura.

It's not like they are in the city with traffic coming and going. There are a few roads in and out, but at this time of year and this time of night it is very quiet.

He knows this because he visits this area frequently. At least once every second day since Silvia died. Around once a fortnight before that with Emily. Emily loved ducks and wildlife. The ponds were her favorite. Any time Darren was off work and the sun was shining...this was the place Emily wanted to come...and Darren could never refuse her.

Often times they would walk the long way home so they could stop at the local dairy to get milk or some other items Silvia requested.

In autumn Emily would collect bright orange leaves and press them. In spring she would make daisy-chains for everyone. In summer they would make boats to race on the water. In winter they would sing songs from Frozen at the top of their lungs while making snowmen called Olaf.

They had been coming here since Emily was a toddler.

He had watched every type of flower here burst into color.

He had watched the petals fall.

Birds of varying species singing to them.

He had walked the paths in every season and almost every hour. He knows where the roads go, where the paths lead, which ones loop back on themselves, where the nearest roadways are relative to the paths, and all the amenities blocks on those routes.

He knows how many steps between the larger trees and how many boulders along the edge of the stream.

He knew the colder the weather the less visitors.

He knew the later in the evening no one ventured out this way.

And so he meandered down the path Maura took reflecting on the moments that had been and all the moments that could now never exist. What had been snatched from him.

He would find Maura, she could run but she couldn't hide here, not in his backyard.

Eventually he would catch up to her, and if Jane was alive...well...he just might have to kill them both.

* * *

Maura takes another breath and scans the bank again. A few shrubs and grasses run along the edge. She isn't sure how far she has come but with the direction of the moonlight she figures the stream has been slowly making it's way south-east.

Something white in the moonlight along the raised part of the bank catches her eye, it stands out as unusual because it doesn't fit with anything she has seen so far. For a moment she almost dismisses it as being a piece of rubbish or an abnormal rock since it's so far up the bank, but she can't risk it. And something in her stomach region presses her to go check.

Still on her knees, she crawls towards it, three meters, two meters, one meter.

It's not a rock or piece of rubbish. It is a pale hand, deathly white long fingers curled and muddy and...unmoving.

Maura grabs it as if she can't really believe it, holding it tightly so it cannot get away as if it might, on it's own, somehow try.

She follows the hand over the edge of the bank and can see Jane's arm, her pale muddy face, and her torso all in the mud that runs between the bank and the water. The rest of Jane is still in the water. waist, legs and feet.

She can't believe it. Her mouth hangs open in shock as she checks over her friend quickly.

Jane's dark hair is half out of the ponytail it was in less than fifteen minutes ago. Her eyes are closed and she isn't moving other than the rocking of her lower half caused by the water.

"Jane?" Maura tries at least hoping for a response. Nothing.

Maura tugs gently at the arm which is limp and cold...so so cold.

She crawls down the side of the muddy embankment making squelching noises as she goes, sinking several inches each time. When she reaches Jane puts her arms under Jane's shoulders pulling her friend further out of the water. Water so cold Maura gasps when she gets too close. Jane is heavier than she could have imagined. Wet, limp, freezing, and not moving. No white breaths, no groans, no response. She drags Jane until she is clear of the water and completely in the mud. up onto the bank, slowly, inch by inch.

Just white, wet and now very muddy almost all over. Thankfully the mud is warmer than the water. The mud is warmer than the air around them as well.

Once fully out of the water, Maura rolls Jane onto her back letting Jane's arms fall at her sides. She presses her ear to Jane's chest while watching Jane's face. She focuses mostly on the blue colored lips.

So many times she had read that you never, ever, determine a person is dead until they are warmed up fully as extreme cold can appear very much like the person is no longer breathing. Never in her whole life did she think she would face this scenario herself.

She also never though she would be so scared that she might forget how to check and what to do.

She never had to tell herself before _that moment_ to just stay calm.

It takes several moments before she can feel Jane's chest rising ever so slightly upwards to meet the side of her face and then lowering again.

"Thank you." She breathes her words a puff of white smoke.

But there is still no breath in her friend, at least an obvious one, there is no white like she just had, like there should be if Jane was at a safe temperature.

"Jane, can you hear me?" Maura turns Jane's face to hers to look for a response.

Still and as pale just as before.

"Jane?" Maura is begging now because there is no way she can move an unconscious Jane to a warmer environment let alone the rest of the way up the side of the bank.

As she reaches out her hand to touch Jane's face she notices how much she is shaking. She feels numb but she can't be sure it isn't from the cold.

She reaches her shaking hand and pushes the tangled hair off Jane's face.

Jane's forehead now exposed is mostly brown from the mud, but she also sees a streak of red and the area is raised.

The injury is far from urgent, not even bleeding anymore. It's not surprising Janes head collided with something given the roughness of the water.

Now she knows how remarkable is is that Jane didn't drown. There are some obvious bruises which look a purply-blue under the light of the moon, otherwise she seems surprisingly alright. At least no limbs are pointing in unnatural directions.

"You're amazing Jane. I don't know how you survived. I really don't."

She gently takes Jane's wrist to feel her pulse. Despite the cold she can feel it...slow and weak.

She counting silently in her head with each small beat.

That's when Maura hears it.

_Crunch Crunch._

Boots on snowy gravel, coming closer.

Help has arrived. Someone can help Jane.

Maura sits up quickly so she can see over the top of the bank. She doesn't want to leave Jane but the person might not hear her if they aren't close enough.

She spots the individual. A man with a large coat briskly walking the path. He seems to be looking around as if searching for something. White clouds of breath come out in quick even bursts as if he is panting or struggling with the cold air.

When he is close enough, Maura is about to call out 'help me' when she spots the glint of metal in the moonlight.

Gun. Darren.

The gun in his right hand hanging loosely by his side.

"Shit." Maura swears as she ducks back down, the moment the word left her lips she is hoping he didn't hear her...or see her.

She can literally feel the blood drain from her face as she looks down at her helpless friend just below her. Pale. Unconscious, possibly from the head impact. She wonders, for a split second, if that time in the woods when her own leg was wounded and Jane sat over her, defending her from the men with guns, if this is what Jane felt. Fear beyond belief for so many reasons at one time. She pushes the thought away quickly, because, right now she needs to figure out what to do.

* * *

...to be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

* * *

Death...it felt like an old companion to her.  
Almost everyday she faced in. It was her job.  
Death. Not immediate death. Although she had seen that as well.  
The way she viewed it...there was the moment a person was gone. The moment breath stopped and the person's spirit was gone never to return to this world. Sometimes peacefully in their sleep, sometimes in an out of control event at the hands of a murderer. Sometimes alone, sometimes with company.  
Then there was the realization of death. When a missing person is no longer a missing person. When the manhunt stops. When it becomes an investigation. Or a crime scene. When those close to the person are told the news and grieve the loss. When the future becomes changed, uncertain, different.  
That was the point when she herself would focus on every detail of the death. Why, how, when, where...and who.  
And finally there is the time to mourn the death with others. To realize it, accept it. The wake, the funeral, the cemetery. The pictures, the flowers, the words. The farewell.  
These three things can be varying distances apart. Days later, weeks later, sometimes even years later.

Then after...after the mourning...after the loss...after the pain. How many that attended the funeral today would truly miss her tomorrow.  
How many would wake up tomorrow, or next week, and notice she wasn't there anymore.  
Parents. Siblings. Friends.  
Others would remember at times, on occasion. A remembered story or word or item. A picture or trinket as a reminder.

But for those closest to the departed...death was like a heavy burden. A burden that clung to the living refusing to let go. Reminding them constantly. From that moment you wake and remember to that moment you drift into sleep. Every moment between waking and sleeping longer and harder.  
The reminder of what is lost from those unaware. All those things that will now never happen. That burden affecting everyday life in one way or another.  
And funerals were a reminder of what had been and what was gone.

Jane sighs, her own thoughts as sad as the atmosphere around her. She lets her hands fall together in front of her. Clutching lightly her own fingers and rubbing her palms.

She stands up straighter pushing her head back so it isn't obvious how she really feels inside. How she is holding closed the floodgates of emotion.

There isn't a dry eye in the cemetary except her own and she feels guilty about that too. And this pose she is holding perhaps causes her to look more out of place, but by sheer defiance she doesn't care.

No one cares who she is or what she is doing, not at a a time like this, a place like this.

She would have gone even if Darren hadn't asked her. She felt attached somehow.  
Perhaps it was because she had sat by Emilys body, or that Emily was eight. Or because the death of one little girl had killed the mother and devastated the father.  
Three had been lost because of one death.  
It also plagued her that it was incomplete. Not put to rest in any way for her. No closure.

She stood at the back out of the way.

How many funerals or memorials had she attended...too many to count.  
But when any coffin is barely less than a five feet long, it leaves a sickening feeling in your stomach.

Jane purses her lips tightly.

It was her second funeral in as many days and she was tired emotionally.

She had tried to comfort Darren when she arrived but he was too pained to accept it, shrugging her hand off his shoulder.  
He was facing this for the most part alone. Emily's grandparents and Silvia's parents dealing with their own internal battles with the losses they faced. His own parents self-absorbed but it. None seemed to recognize what Darren was going through.

Two days ago was his wife's funeral.  
Today his daughters.

He looks like he is broken.  
It looks like death has forcibly taken hold of him and refuses to ever let him go.

* * *

Maura straddles Jane's hips careful not to hurt her and takes both Jane's arms crossing them over her chest tucking her hands under her armpits for warmth. Then she lays her torso completely over Jane's still one. She can feel the cold and wet instantly emanating through her own clothing causing her to shiver slightly at the touch.

With her hands on either side of Jane 's head she lowers herself down against Jane's neck letting the hood of her mud covered coat fall over them both. She can feel the heat from her body and breath start to warm up the air trapped between them inside the jacket.

Maura waits with bated breath listening for any sounds outside their cocoon.

She can hear his feet crunching over the snow, hopefully he doesn't notice where Maura's footprints stopped when she fell. Hopefully he doesn't follow the tracks she made as she crawled to the bank.

Maura can feel Jane's chest rising and falling beneath her. Breaths not as strong as they should be, but at least they are there.

She hopes they are camouflaged enough.

Maura can hear Darren stop in his tracks. She buries her face deeper in Jane's hair holding her breath in fear that any white steam from her breath might give away their location.

She doesn't stand a chance if she is caught. He would easily kill them both. And there is no possible way she could move Jane...and even if she could she wouldn't...attempting to lift her or drag her could kill her. And she wouldn't dream of leaving her here alone.

She can feel her heart double time with suspense. Not knowing if he is standing over them right now about to grab her coat and pull her off Jane...or just shoot her in the back.  
Not knowing if he knows.

She tightens her grip on Jane as if it offers some moral support or supernatural protection, and she closes her eyes. She can hear slightly better now. A dog barks some distance away. She can hear small huffs right by her ear as Jane exhales short and rapid breaths. How she hates that Jane's pulse is so weak and her skin radiates such chill that it feels like it burns against her own hot skin. She was hot from running, and stressing, but is quickly cooling down now. And Jane is so cold she seems like a stone statue.

Despite the cold burn, Maura keeps her body tight against Jane's.

She can also hear louder huffs as an unfit middle aged man breathes heavily against the cold. He is some meters away and the slow crunch of snow sounds like he is slowly stalking closer.

Maura stops breathing. She stops moving. She wonders if this is how a wild animal feels that is trapped by a hunter. That sort of knowing something really bad is about to happen. That something is very wrong. That maybe you only have seconds to live.  
Her body wants to scream as her brain demands her to fight or flee and she refuses to move. All the chemicals flooding her body with nowhere to go. Impatiently prematurely ready.

She is pleased Jane is unconscious so she won't have to face what is coming. Won't have to see Maura terrified...or dead, and won't have to fight for them like so many times before only to lose something along the way. Hopefully it is fast and painless...especially for Jane.

And Maura can't think of anywhere she would rather be of these are her final moments, than close to her dearest friend. It's plutonic, but extraordinarily special. A friend she would die for and that would die for her. She never had a friend like that before...she never had a friend before. Either way...Better they die together than one losing the other.  
Than suffering the losses like Darren had.

Her heart asks why Darren would do this when he knows how horrible it is to suffer, to lose someone. But her brain tells her that he isn't using his.  
Maura doesn't want to regret anything, so she softly whispers as in Jane's ear, one last thought, one final goodbye, "I'm so sorry. I really do love you too."

Maura holds her breath feeling like death is hovering over her.

* * *

Jane hovered over him, gun pointed, finger already squeezing the trigger.  
His life was in the balance in that moment.

His life was in Jane's hands. And she looked at him like she would like to kill him.

The hairs on the back of her neck raised. Breaths slowly in and out to keep a clear aim, precise training beating out the bodies panic for more oxygen.

Her eyes dared him to move, to blink, breath.

Any minute excuse to put a bullet in him.

That's what anger could do...take calm and collected to the edge, the brink of the point of no return.

No one would blame her even if she didn't have a good reason. Not that there were many witnesses anyway. Most had run the opposite way of them and a few cries to call the police to those already further away from them. No one followed them. No one took photos.

He knew that which is the only reason her didn't smirk or laugh. He wasn't about to push his luck against a hair trigger.

He had not been questioned yet, nor tried. He was innocent until proven guilty. But he could tell innocence or guilt meant nothing to Jane in that moment.

He had seen the cogs in her head turn right before he ran.

He knew that she knew what he had done even if it hadn't or couldn't be proven.

He wonders how long they will remain in this stale-mate.

Him on the ground and her tempting him through deaths door.

She doesn't blink.

It's the sounds of police sirens approaching them that cause him to close his eyes and let out the breath he had been holding.

She won't do anything now. She can't.

Jane clenches her jaw tightly.

Maybe it was for the best.  
Or maybe, like with Hoyt, she would regret that she hadn't ended him.

Hands on her shoulder are the physical release she needs to lower her gun.

Officers roll the man on his back and cuff him.

"Who is he?" A male officer asks Jane as they drag him to the police car.

"Read him his rights." Jane replies as she turns away only to suddenly be face to face with with a very angry Darren Carlton.

* * *

"Crack."

The sound not far away makes Maura flinch. She almost screamed thinking it was the end.

The sound was a branch breaking somewhere further down the path. That crack followed by the thud of a branch with a pile of heavy snow landing on the snow laden ground.  
It could have been caused by a person, someone running into it, putting their weight on it, but most likely just the giving away of the weak limb of an old tree against the unbearable weight of the snow on top of it.

Maura hears the soft crunch of footsteps turning, so close she wonders if they are as close behind her as she feels they might be. They start to walk away, quickly becoming distant, headed towards that sound, and she let's put out heavy quavering relieved breath.

They perhaps don't have long before Darren makes his way back. or maybe he won't come back this way at all.

She feels her heart relax and knows the chemicals in her body are slowly balancing themselves.

Jane stirs underneath her weakly groaning.

"Shhh Jane it's me. You're safe." Maura whispers, still terrified by the proximity of Darren just moments ago.

Jane stills for a moment then she attempts to roll onto her side, the mud underneath squelching.

"Please Jane. Stay still."

Jane doesn't, she is trying to get free.

"Please stop fighting me."

Maura puts slightly more weight on Jane than she would like, but she is trapped somewhere between concern for Jane hurting herself and terror of Darren's return.

Jane groans weakly in a breathy defeated sigh.

"I'm sorry Jane. I'm sorry."

"Doooonnnn" Jane groans.

Maura leans back to look at Jane, exposing them both to the cool air around them. Janes eyes are closed and her lips still blue from the cold. Her face is smeared with mud across one side just like it was before. The bump on the head still looking swollen but not bleeding.

"Am I hurting you Jane?"

Jane groans again, mostly out her nostrils causing them to flare.

"Jane, it's me...Maura, I'm here. Let me help you."

Jane's eyelashes flicker like she is trying to open them and her lips quiver somewhat.

"You have hypothermia Jane. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to loose you..." Maura holds herself together, now would be a bad time to get emotional, "Try not to move Jane. Just for a bit."

Maura's almost jumps at a sound nearby, her heart thumping so loud she wonders if it just leapt out of her chest. She lowers her head again, her warm cheek pressing against Jane's cold one. She can feel the hood of her jacket fall over them both again. She hears the sound again. A crunch and thud sound. Maura feels relief realizing it's more tree branches giving way to the weight against them. She lifts her head a little and checks around, just in case.

No Darren, not yet.

Jane shifts again, "Bbbaaaa...kkkk...bbbeeee...hhhhhnnnnnn..."

"Shhh Jane." Maura whispers fiercely. Concerned about being heard and unable to make sense of Jane's mumbled sounds.

"Sssss...aaaaffffffff...yyyyyyooooo..."

Maura bites her lip almost hearing the words 'save you' or similar and believing that's what Jane is trying to do right now.

"Mmmaaaauuuuuuurrrr..."

Maura feels a prick in the corner of her eye and a lump in the back of her throat.

"Jane. Sweetie...It's my turn to take care of you...to save you."

Maura lowers herself close to Jane again.

Jane starts struggling trying to get her arms free, "Guuuuunnn"

Maura can't believe she hadn't already thought of that.

"Shhhh." She demands as she carefully reaches her arm down between them to Jane's belt, letting her fingers search along the leather belt. She finds the holster by feel only to find it empty. Jane had left the gun in the glove compartment of the car when they went for a jog together after work. She never put it back in her holster. It was still in the car.  
Jane's phone is missing as well, probably at the bottom of the stream. Not that it would work waterlogged even if it survived the trip downstream.

"It's not here." Maura whispers gently hoping the knowledge itself will calm Jane down.

Jane doesn't...she continues struggling to the point Maura is sure Jane will injure herself, she isn't strong right now, not enough to hurt Maura...but hypothermia causes the skin to be extremely fragile.

"Jane. Please...listen to me..."

Jane pauses her movements as if she understands, perhaps she hears the urgency in Maura's voice, or perhaps she just senses it as any good cop might.

"Jane. Calm down. It's going to be okay."

"Goooo." Jane whispers so quietly and weakly that it surprises Maura. Something about the strength to fight that fades into nothing panics her slightly.

"I am _not_ leaving you." Maura whispers back.

Jane doesn't move so Maura continues believing Jane must understand her, "Jane. This time...This time let me save you."

* * *

Maura held Jane tightly by the arm preventing her from entering the interrogation room.

"Let me go Maura." Jane growls angrily. She isn't angry at Maura but she is angry. At the perp at the deaths caused by the perp and at the arrogance of the perp.

"Jane, you need to calm down. You can't go in there like this."

"Just watch me." Jane replies trying to loosen Maura's talon-like grip.

"Last time you almost got thrown off the case when you threatened a perp." Maura says calmly and firmly.

Jane could deny that she would threaten him, but they both know she'd be lying. She might take things further than a threat given her current state of mind.

Jane takes a deep breath in and holds it while giving Maura one of her full-on trademark glares. It doesn't affect Maura in the slightest, "Take a coffee break with me Jane. Five minutes. Let him sweat it out in there. Please."

Korsak who is standing not far away grunts his approval at the suggestion, "Good plan. I need five minutes to file some paperwork anyway."

Jane moves her glare to him and he raises his eyebrows and walks away.

"You would do yourself a lot of good to be in control in there, Jane."

"Fine." Jane grunts, "You don't always have to try and save me you know. I'm a big girl."

Maura smiles and lets go of Jane, walking towards the elevators.

Jane follows rubbing her arm and scowling like it hurt her.

"I'm not saving anyone." Maura replies softly.

* * *

It had been a few minutes of silence. She can feel Jane breathe out beneath her and relax.

Maura wonders if maybe Jane lost consciousness again.

She reaches around her back and slips her phone out of her back pocket trying not transfer mud from her hands onto it. The last thing she wants to do is break it.

The screen lights up their small cocoon and Maura squints in the brightness.

'No Service' flashes at the top of the screen and Maura sighs as she puts it back in her pocket.

"Jane?"

Suddenly freezing cold fingers slide under her layers of tops at her waist, against her skin and up her back causing her to gasp loudly in shock.

The hands continue to travel across her back and down each side of her hips, fully wrapping her around her waist. She had forgotten how long Jane's arms actually were.

"Put you hands on my stomach Jane. It will be warmer."

Jane makes no attempt to move. Possibly she isn't aware where her hands are, nor can she probably feel them at this stage let alone cognitively process or complete the effort of repositioning.

Maura can feel her hips and sides cooling down as heat is absorbed away from them and she doesn't care one bit.

"Can you hear me Jane?" Maura asks softly.

"Warmmmmmm." Jane mumbles as she turns her face into the nape of Maura's neck where most of her heat is radiating from right now. Maura's whole face feels hot and flushed, more so than usual.

Jane's breath is possibly warmer than before but still cold enough to send a shiver up her spine and make the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

"You're cold." Maura states softy wishing she had some quick way to change that.

"Awwww," Jane groans sadly "I wan'tbe hoooot."

Maura can't help the smile that plays at her lips.

"I didn't mean looks. I meant literally. You are cold."

"Sooo I'mmm hooottt?" Jane mumbles

Maura pulls away to assess her friend carefully. More conscious, more engaging, skin less white. Maura brushes the side of Jane's face with her fingers up to her friends hairline leaving more muddy streaks on her face, "You are."

She watches as Jane attempts a weak smile.

"You're gorgeous. You're brave. And you're smart."

She leaves her fingers tangled in Jane's hair stroking softly deep in thought.

"Nooottt asssmart asssooou."

"Mmmmm." Maura hums wondering if Jane is perhaps delirious, "If I was smart I would have us warm and safe by now."

"I liiight fireeee." Jane murmurs in a soft huskily voice like she does in her dreams sometimes, "I was'sa wildernesssscammperrrr."

Maura pauses her movements and pulls her hand away from Jane. Guilt like a heavy hand. Rolls reversed Jane would probably have her warmed up or saved by now. "Yes you were." Maura replies softly not really thinking about what she is saying.

"I light gooooddd firrrre."

"I believe you Jane. Wishing you could light one right now."

"Not afta darrrrk."

"No. Of course not." Maura replies absently wondering how aware Jane is of what is going on and what she is going to do.

"Givvvves yoou awwwaaaay."

"Gives y-...what?" Maura turns frowning to Jane who still looks asleep.

Maura looks up into the distance, "Good thinking, wilderness camper."

She huddles back down against Jane thinking to herself.

"We have to try and move." Maura says out loud mostly for her own benefit.

"No." Jane replies hastily and weakly gripping even tighter, tighter than Maura expected she could in her condition.

If staying like this was the best way to warm Jane up she would stay like this forever. But her body heat alone isn't going to do enough, and Jane's wet clothes and chilling hands could give her hypothermia as well, which wouldn't do either of them any good.

"We have to find a place to hide."

"Mmmmmmm." Jane whispers.

"Do you think you can move Jane." Maura asks pulling away again.

When she looks down Jane's eyes are open just a little. Glassy and distant like she can't be bothered to focus. Her Jaw is clenched and her teeth exposed pressed tightly together like she might be preventing them from chattering. Her nostrils are flared slightly and her lips are still tinged blue. But her lips are shivering now. A good sign considering.

Jane attempts to nod.

Maura wants to tell Jane how strong she thinks she is, but now isn't the time.

"Ok. We need to head back to the bridge. You need to tell me if you can't manage or you need to stop."

Maura sits up slowly and looks around for any sign of Darren. Jane stiffens her body at the loss of heat above her. Then Maura slips her jacket off glad she wore several layers underneath today including a thermal layer.

"No." Jane objects although there is barely any fight in her tone.

"Yes." Maura replies simply, carefully climbing off Jane's legs and reaching out her arm to help Jane sit up.

Jane takes Maura's arms weakly, still frowning but to exhausted to fight.

It's a small struggle to sit up, but once she is Maura slides Jane's wet blazer off her shoulders and discards the heavy garment in the mud beside them. Then she slips Jane's arm though the jacket sleeve and wraps it around her back and helps Jane get the other arm through the hole. It's like dressing an uncoordinated toddler but it's also more that she expected at all.  
She buttons it up at the front and pulls the hood over Jane's head making sure it's as snug as she can get it.

Then she reaches out and helps Jane to her knees and then slowly to her feet, keeping her steady as she tries to get her land legs working.

They start off with Jane barely able to stand, almost her entire weight on Maura. Jane has her arm around Maura and Maura her arm around Jane's waist. Her fingers on Jane's wrist in an attempt to keep a reading of her pulse.

A few slow steps forward, yet Maura is constantly fearfully checking behind her. They are heading in the opposite direction than Darren went, which fortunately is towards the bridge and their cars.

A few more steps and a pause, then a few more. Jane still leaning heavily against Maura and panting.

Every time they pause Maura listens out for company.

When Jane gets up to ten steps without a break. Maura knows they won't manage to get the whole way back even though she isn't sure how far away they are from their destination.

The good news is that the exertion is having a positive effect of Jane's core temperature and extremities.

Maura pulls her phone out of her pocket again. 'No service' still stares back at her. And with the absence of Maura's support, Jane slumps weakly against her side.

* * *

...to be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

* * *

It had taken only a few minutes to notice that something was out of place.  
That one man with dark wisps of unkept hair poking out from under a green beanie.  
He was always standing at the back, behind a tree, behind some people.  
It was hard to see his face as he kept his head down or hidden.  
He looked unshaven and his thin face gaunt and pale, hollow cheeks.  
He wasn't dressed for a funeral. He wore dirty old sneakers and black jeans and a black coat covering an old green woollen jumper that almost matched his beanie, but not quite.  
But then there had been stranger things than an estranged uncle or homeless family member that attended the funeral of a lost one.  
The white of his eyes flickered occasionally as he watched the events play out.  
More interested than most in those around him and less so in the little white casket hovering over the hole in the ground.

No one noticed him, everyone was preoccupied in their own ways, their own thoughts.

But Jane noticed him. She watched him watching Darren as he cried. He watched the grandparents, friends, school teachers and neighborhood kids.  
The small white box was lowered carefully into the ground and people filed past throwing flowers into the grave.  
Some of Emilys friends giving their parents confused look as they were told to do the same.

Jane watched as the man lingered at the back.  
He took a few steps backwards, further from the grave. A minute later another few steps. Another few minutes another few steps.  
Gradually disappearing into the background. Only a few more meters and he would be able to vanish into the shrubs nearby.

And then he looks up at Jane. His eyes bulging slightly finally noticing he had been noticed.  
His eyes scan her up and down. Jane stretches her arms pulling her coat away from her waist. His eyes pause on her waistband seeing the gold detective badge glinting in the light.  
His eyes squint as they travel to Jane's face and pause. His jaw clenching slightly.

A pause.

It's not uncommon for the perpetrator to revisit the scene of a crime, to follow up on the consequences of their actions...but to willfully seek out emotional gratification from the suffering of the victim was a little less common.  
Jane straightens her shoulders and turns her head to the side.  
The mans lips curl into a devious smile and he shows the whites of his teeth, or the yellow and black staining as it may be.

Jane has her gun out before the man can turn fully away from her.

And he is running.

"Stop police." Jane calls out gruffly already starting into a sprint.

She is faster than him. She is fitter and stronger and her legs much longer.

She plans to tackle him. Hard like a rugby player.

Shoulder to ribs which she knows hurts the most.

It will slow him down as well.

But he trips over a root that had tangled its way above the ground.

His arms fly out to protect his face and he crumples into a heap groaning as he lands heavily.

Jane is over him gun pointed within seconds.

"Don't you move you scum. Don't you dare move." Jane spits angrily at him the anger in her eyes evident.  
A part of her hopes he does move so she can shoot him in the head.

A part of her wants to be able to make him pay for what he did to Emily and her family.

"I got you, you piece of shit." She says through gritted teeth.

* * *

They manage a another five sets of fifteen steps but then they have to sit because Jane's legs are becoming too weak. All her energy burnt up she is getting considerably more clumsy, her grip on Maura's arms weakening as well.

They sit, Jane's back against Maura's chest, mostly off the ground for warmth, surrounded by silence. Maura pulls Jane's cold hand towards her lips and gently kisses the back of it. Despite the coldness, Maura still finds it comforting. For herself. Possibly for Jane, she isn't sure.

Then she wraps Jane's hands between hers warming cold fingers slowly.

It feels hopeless.

It feels impossible.

Then she hears a ping and she freezes even though her own phone made the sound.

The first thought being 'what was that'. Then fear that Darren might have heard it too.

She checks around them listening for a moment for movement.

Without jostling Jane too much she slips her phone out of her pocket. One bar and a text message from Korsak, **_'Where are you?'_**

She reads the text before his. The one she typed when Darren first pulled the gun out on the bridge. The one she typed while it was still in her pocket. The one that she couldn't tell if it had been delivered at the time and forgot about it until now. She wasn't sure there was even service on the bridge when she sent it.

**_'_ ** **_Help. In trouble.'_ **

It was all she could manage to type and send with one hand and mostly without looking. Her focus on the barrel of Darren's gun pointed at Jane.

At the time, her only hope was that Korsak would receive it and track her location...if he had even got it.

He had got it. But when? And could he find her if she had had no service for the last twenty to thirty minutes. She didn't know. But the text was in part a relief, Korsak knew there was trouble and he would do everything within his power to help her.

But she could reply now. First she turns off the sound so future pings don't scare her as much. Then she replies to his question.

**_'_ ** **_Old bridge where Silvia died. Path on south east side. Ran towards the east about fifteen minutes. Jane is hurt. Darren Carlton is looking for us. He has a gun.'_ **

It's only a few minutes after she presses send when she can see red and blue flashing lights coming towards them in the distance. Lots of red and blue. She can see them long before she can hear them. It must be quite open between the main road and where she is. Less open in the summer when bushy trees hide both the view of the highways and the sounds of the road.

**_'_ ** **_We tracked your gps. Close now.'_ **

"Korsaks here Jane. He found us. We are going to be ok." She whispers against the hooded head resting against her chest.

There is no reply and Maura has to stifle down the fears inside her that try to surface, that Jane is dead, that it's too late, that it was all for nothing.

She gives Jane a gentle reassuring hug as they wait and sighs in relief when she feels Jane take a breath out.

Maura thinks the cars stop some distance away, further away then she would have liked. It indicates she ran a fair distance after all.

Then she can hear faint voices. Several voices. Calling mostly in unison leaving pauses for a reply which she cannot give.

"Maurrraaa. Jaaannnneee."

One voice she recognizes immediately. Instinct is to call out to Korsak but she is still unsure where Darren is. He could be closer to them than Korsak is.

He probably is closer.

Distance is hard to tell at night in an unknown area. Sound travels unexpectedly.

Screaming a reply could put Jane in danger.

Her mouth goes dry and she licks her lips.

She is smart enough to get them found without alerting Darren.

She has to be. Otherwise all Jane's comments about her being a googlemouth and a smartypants meant nothing.

And then she remembers what Jane said, fire gives away your location.

She has no means to light a fire and she want's to only give her location to her rescuers, but she can send a signal.

The voices are definitely moving closer, perhaps.

She remembers a video she saw once on signaling for help. She presses her lips together tightly as she types her text to Korsak.

**_'_ ** **_I don't know where Darren is. I don't want him to find us. Can you head south-east along the river and shine your torch around. Look for my mirror signal.'_ **

Maura presses send then presses the button on the side to put her phone to sleep and flips it around so the glass screen is facing the blue and red flashing lights and the torches in the distance. It all comes down to luck now. That her screen is enough to cause a reflection. That they can pick it up. That she is pointing it the right direction. That they can see her.

She watches as multiple torch lights sway back and forth facing east. It looks like searchlights against the sky, only horizontal and broken. Distorted by shadows and silhouettes. But none quite in the right direction...her direction.

She flips the phone realizing her directions might actually be off completely.

**_'_ ** **_More towards the south.'_ **

A few moments later the torches are angling more towards her.

She can't help but smile, her plan might just be working.

She knows how she must look, being actually chuffed at herself. She is glad no-one can see.

She flips her phone again and holds it as steady as she can wrapping her free arm tighter around Jane's torso.

A few distant lights flicker across her skin so she knows they are on the right track.

She wants to scream out to them, 'I'm here. Help us.'

She bites her tongue and closes her eyes taking in a calming breath.

Her phone lights up and vibrates in her hand, she turns it to read the text, **_'We see you. Don't move.'_**

'Oh if I could move.' she thinks then realises the sarcasm in her thoughts. How proud Jane would be.

She turns the phone off again and turns it around again holding it as steady as she can. It feels like an hour before she can hear the footsteps that accompany the rescuers and her arm feels heavy and tired.

One torch light slightly ahead of the others and she is sure it must be Korsak.

"Korsak." She calls out softly her breath hitching at the end with emotional relief.

The light is bright in her face and she squints against it turning her head away slightly.

They are less than twenty meters away.

Then the lights are no longer on her face and her phone but over her head. The footsteps halt with urgency.

* * *

Korsak can see Maura's face behind the brightly lit phone screen. Pale and muddy and panting breaths of white air. The figure leaning against her, unmoving, he can immediately recognize as Jane even hidden in a muddy coat hood.

The torches of them all combined light up the area well. They are surrounded by barren trees and white snow, except for about three meters to the south where the snow has been disrupted, moved around by people shuffling around or crawling. He suspects they struggled to make to the last few meters to where they are.

Then he notices a shoe about five meters behind Maura. Raising the torch higher he can see Darren's face. The man must have figured out where the girls were and is so close to them he fears Darren could hurt them before he could do anything to stop it.

"Freeze you scum. Don't you move. Don't you dare move." He growls angrily as he releases the safety on his gun.

He can hear the same clicks all around him as his comrades do the same. Many guns pointed at an unmoving man.

Darren glances up at him, eyes dark and angry. Then looks back down at the girls below him.

Korsak can tell Darren is contemplating his chances against what he wants right now.

Korsak tightens his grip ready to pull the trigger.

Darren steps suddenly to the left and the torch beams and gun barrels move to follow him.

But now he is mostly obscured by a tree trunk and completely in line with Maura and Jane.

A trickier shot. More risk.

Korsak growls at himself for hesitating.

He glances down at Maura, her eyes wide and terrified, confused.

* * *

That moment of silence, when Maura's heart misses a beat and everyone in front of her is unmoving, that's when she hears the movements behind her.

That's when she realizes what the torch beams are focused on.

Someone close and encroaching, a heavy grunt and breath.

Maura turns slightly and catches him out the corner of her eye, Darren, close, too close. His face tight and angry with barred teeth. The torchlight looks like it should blind him yet he ignores it, staring straight at Jane, clenched fists.

And as he lurches his body towards them, Maura throws hers as far across Jane's as she can.

* * *

...to be continued...


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

* * *

So many sounds happen at once around her but her eyes are closed. Her face buried against Jane's neck. Her torso covering Jane's as best she can.  
She vaguely hears the pop of a gun amongst the yelling and screams.  
Or perhaps there were two pops.  
The sound is somehow quieter than she expected it would be.  
A groan so close to her that she prays it wasn't from Jane.  
Something hits her hard in the shoulder and neck and she cries out in shock as well as pain.  
Her mouth suddenly tastes metallic.  
Sharp pains shoot up to her skull.  
She feels heavy across her back and can't move.  
Barely able to take in a breath.  
A weak pulse thuds heavily against her temple.  
She can still hear the yelling around her, deep voices seemingly talking over each other.

And then radio crackle.

"Shots fired."

_"Rodger that."_

"Suspect no longer a threat."

_"Maura? Jane?"_

"I will get back to you on that."

Maura is sure she can hear Frankie through the radio.  
She opens her eyes and notices she is still pressed heavily against Jane, painfully so, but she can also feel her friends pulse.  
"Thank you God." She whispers softly against Jane's neck.  
She tries to balance her weight so as not to crush Jane as much.  
Black boots moving around her and then the weight is gone.  
SHe can hear a groan as Darren is dragged away from them.

With every meter of distance between them, Maura feels safer.  
Her head throbs but she feels very much alive.

She looks up slowly as Korsak squats down beside her giving her a half smile before dropping his gaze to look at Jane underneath her. His forehead crinkles and his eyes fill with concern.

"Whats wrong with her?" He asks softly, as if talking loudly might somehow wake her up.

"Hypothermia. We need to get her warm and dry and to the hospital."

Two male officers approach and reach down towards Jane.

"No" Maura growls leaning further over Jane to protect her from them.

"It's ok Maura. You're both safe now."

Maura looks at Korsak with a pleading fearful look and holds Jane closer to herself. She can't seem to help it.

"Let them help her to the car Maura." Korsak offers softly as he reaches his hand out to take Maura's.

Maura looks at him for a moment before letting out a sigh.

"You have to be very careful." Maura growls as she glares at the men who give her a blank look.

"You have to be really careful with her or you could cause her to die of cardiac arrest."

One nods and the other says "Alright."

Maura sits up and looks down at Jane. So pale, so quiet...so weak.

Maura takes Jane's hand and gently kisses the back of it. It's still far too cold so she wraps both of hers around it, just for a moment before tucking it back into the jacket. She can feel a wet tear forming in the corner of her eye.

"Ok." She says giving permission for them to take Jane from her.

She reaches for Korsak's hand and he helps her to her feet then wraps an arm around her.

The men lift Jane carefully and Maura reminds them repeatedly, "Be gentle. Please. Please be gentle."

Jane is carried carefully up the path with Maura and Korsak only a few steps behind them. "Darren made her jump off the bridge." Maura says as they walk briskly towards the flashing lights.

Korsak nods in understanding of the events but still unaware how lucky Jane was to not drown.

"Where is Darren?"

"He is in custody. Jerry got him in the shoulder and he went down like a sack of potatoes. He took one in the leg as well. Sorry about the way he fell." Maura notices he doesn't really sound very sorry.

"Is he dead?"

Korsak shakes his head no.

He doesn't let go of her arm as they follow Jane, so Maura figures she must look as bad as she feels.

Maura watches the back of Jane's hooded head bob up and down slightly with the movements. She wishes she had been strong enough to carry Jane out of there.

The red and blue lights approach and she spot's Frankie running towards them. He see's them. First Jane and he frowns, then Maura who he envelops in a tight warm hug.

"Are you ok?"

Maura nods against his shoulder.

"You sure?"

Maura fights the temptation to shake her head. She isn't sure if she is ok, but she is doing better than Jane and doesn't want to distract the focus.

"Lets just...get Jane to hospital."

"Ok" Frankie grunts letting her go with a squeeze.

Maura climbs into the back of Korsak's cruiser and the men carefully load Jane in. Jane's head rests on Maura's lap. Blankets are placed over them.

"Take off her shoes." Maura demands as she cradles Jane's head between her hands pushing damp matted hair off Jane's face.

Frankie pulls off his sisters shoes and drops them on the floor of the car.

Then Frankie and Korsak climb in the front.

And as they drive away Maura watches the bridge shrink in size.

"We made it Jane. We did it." She whispers as she brushes Jane's cheek tenderly.

Jane is alive when she should be dead.

Her fingers slip down to Jane's neck, an automatic search for her pulse.

The car is warm and safe compared to the outside world. Compared to the snow covered morbid scene they just left.

Even now, like this, she feels safe with Jane so close.

"After we got your text we tracked Jane's phone since yours was out of range."

She hears Korsak say from the front seat.

"Mhmmm", Maura replies as she pushes the blanket off and starts to remove Jane's clothing, careful not to jostle her too much.

Jacket first, catching Janes arms as they slip out.

"Figured you two had to be together and both in trouble when she didn't answer her phone either."

Then slipping her fingers under the hem of Jane's shirt she gently slides the fabric up towards her armpits exposing the edge of her bra. The rough wound on her abdomen stands out against the rest of the smooth skin. Barely there freckles she hadn't noticed before speckled over the ribcage.

"What are you doing?" Korsak asks with a frown looking in the rearview mirror.

"Wet clothing stops her warming up." Maura comments almost to herself as she continues carefully lifting Jane's top over her head leaving only a light and simple white bra that usually stands out against olive skin. But not today. Today it almost blends in.

"Jeez." Frankie yells as he quickly turns to face the front and covers his eyes, "Coulda warned me."

The pants are harder to remove since they are furthest away from her and clinging to Jane's legs tightly no matter how much she tries to slide them down over Jane's thighs.

"With Jane. It's always the hard way." Maura growls under her breath, "Frankie. I need something to cut with."

Frankie, without looking, hands her a pocketknife over his shoulder.

Maura leans across Jane and begins to cut her pants off careful not to cut or damage the fragile skin underneath. Eventually the pieces of cut garment fall to the floor leaving Jane shivering in only her underwear.

Maura's eyes glance over Jane's body, she tells herself she is checking for injuries.

Then Maura slides the blanket over Jane and begins to wrap her up in it, lifting her limp torso to do so. Jane's arm and hand brushes against her as she moves Jane reminding her of other times, times they had swapped clothes, or helped each other dress.

Once wrapped tightly and warmly she keeps her arms around Jane keeping close enough to monitor the pulse on Jane's neck. And then she lets her mind wander for the rest of the trip, finally letting her own body relax as well.

She remembers her last battle to dress Jane. She had found putting clothing on a struggling person rather invigorating and a great deal of exercise for her and she had enjoyed it, much more than today.

_She had chased Jane into the bedroom and given Jane's slow movement and groans caused by her injuries had made her rather easy to catch. Maura had easily been able to grab Jane around the waist and slip Jane's loose lounging-around pants down despite the objections and long arms and fingers defying her actions. Then she had pushed Jane onto the bed, while her feet were tangled in the pants restricting her from freeing herself. Then pulled her tee-shirt off over her head. Jane had lain there in a sports bra and red briefs her arms out defensively, swearing that if Maura didn't back off right this moment that she would get her gun._

_Maura had laughed and continued forward on her mission. The moment she had Jane good and pinned on the bed and was trying in vain and get Jane's kicking leg into the pants leg of her uniform, Jane had surrendered and ruined all her fun. Maura had rolled to her side releasing Jane with a giggle, "So the easy way instead then?"_

_Jane had grunted and rolled onto her back softly panting. Side by side neither moved. Shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm._

_"You're stronger than you look." Jane said and it sounded like she might be smiling._

_Maura didn't reply, her skin still tingling from all the places Jane's bare skin had touched hers...which was a lot of places. And now lying beside a half dressed gorgeous brunette._

_Not that she was gay, she just admired and respected the human form._

_"I am at a disadvantage though." Jane said softly with a wince as she grabbed her side and turning her head to look at Maura._

_Maura turns to look back at Jane. The glimmer of sweat on Jane's brow and those intense sparkling eyes. She was more than gorgeous. Maura tried to think of a word for it but then Jane smiled widely which had distracted her completely from her thoughts._

_"I definitely won't call your bluff again. I promise. Is it ok if I shower before the next round?"_

_Maura's dry mouth can't respond so she nods instead._

_Those strange feelings from before were suddenly stronger, perhaps unmanageable. She had been dropping hints about how intercourse relieves pain, but holding back as well...because when the feelings hit her she had been dating someone and so had Jane...just not each other. But now, laying there beside Jane, she is confused. More so than those times they pretended to be a couple to get rid of Giovani, Jane's face licking cousin who thought Maura was hot.  
Those times when Jane had wrapped her warmly in a hug and touched her so gently, Jane had also let go of her just as quickly when it was over, so Maura concluded that it was merely acting for Jane. In the car when Jane asked 'Are you attracted to me.' Maura had to play it cool, because she knew Jane wasn't attracted to her. She pushed it all down. _

_Deep down. She had for a long time now. She might have to forever._

_Fight to ignore those intense confusing long looks._

_Or perhaps she should say something..._

_That night, she had planned to tell Jane that she was 'feeling strange things'. To ease into the topic._

_She had been more physical at the event Maura, more touchy, but her plans were disrupted when Jane found out her parents were getting divorced. Also the car bombing incident that night that killed a soldier._  
Days had passed, Jane had healed, life had moved on, and she had kept quiet. She had pushed her feelings down.  
She had for sometime now and she could for many more days. 

She lets out a relieved sigh and a small smile rests on her lips.

She is wondering what Jane will say when she wakes up, will she be proud of the way Maura handled the situation. Will she ask questions. Will Jane call her 'Badass' again.

A wider smile plays at her lips. She wishes Jane called her badass more often. She wishes Jane would teach her more things too. Somehow in those moments when Jane was relaxing or casual she felt completely safe.

She looks down at the still pale face beneath her. Dark damp locks falling against the grey blankets. How calm her friend looks. How calm she wishes she felt inside. But internally there is a battle going on.

Hadn't Jane said to her, "I don't know that i'd die for you but I'd come damn close."

But then Jane had jumped to protect her. Close was accurate perhaps, but where did that leave them. What did it mean.

* * *

It almost broke Maura when she found Jane sobbing in the toilets at BPD.

Hiding in a stall obviously. She didn't lock the stall door so Maura catches her before she can hide the tears. Sitting on the toilet seat her face in her hands.

Maura had seen Jane putting on the bravest possible face in front of the press and media only to escape as quickly as possible and head in the direction of the bathroom.

Jane never used the ground floor bathroom so Maura knew something was wrong before she even pushed the door open.

This case had been the hardest any of them had to deal with. From the moment that Amber alert was issued the press had been all over it...all over them. Then to find Emily's body. Then Silvia's. Hoping there would be closure when the perp was caught...but it wasn't.

Not from what Maura had seen only fifteen minutes earlier.

_"Enough" Jane's voice rang out loudly and firmly over all the other voices in the room._

_The BPD reception is suddenly quieter than it has ever been._

_A few white flashes from the reporters camera's cause Jane to blink and she tightens her jaw in frustration._

_Someone at the funeral must have tipped off the press because there were dozens of news vans outside by the time they arrived back._

_She watches Jane glancing around the room, searching. Maura knows she is looking for Darren. She must hate knowing how he will look at her, but she looks for him anyway._

_Amongst the faces of police officers, crime techs, journalists, and a few general public, is Darren, the man that wants justice._

_Piercing blue eyes meet brown ones and Jane doesn't glance away._

_"We do have a man in custody. We have not yet confirmed it is the murderer of Emily Carlton." Jane says confidently, although her nostrils flare slightly, a sign she is under tremendous pressure._

_Whispers start up again and a few hands are raised._

_"No questions at this time."_

_The hands go down one at a time._

_Then a voice breaks out, a voice that sounds like it has yelled a thousand times and cried lifetime of tears, "I j-just want to know w-why."_

_All eyes turn towards Darren and Jane swallows heavily. The burden she already felt to give this man the answers he deserved suddenly heavier._

_Several voices start up again, this time the questions are all directed at Darren but he ignores them, he wants Jane to give him the answer._

_Jane nods to some officers who begin to clear people from the area._

_Then Jane takes Darren aside into one of the private offices shutting the door._

_It's less than ten minutes later Darren emerges and heads towards the front doors._

_Jane steps out the door and closes it before leaning against it. She takes a few breaths before she heads towards the bathroom._

"What happened with Darren?" Maura asks leaning against the door.

Jane wipes her face with the back of her hand and shrugs. Then she stands and gently pushes her way past Maura and walks to the washbasin.

"He wanted answers."

Maura stands and walks up to the mirror beside Jane. She catches Jane's gaze in her reflection.

"What sort of answers Jane."

Jane looks at the floor and shrugs again, "Answers I didn't have."

"That's not your fault."

Jane looks up again, a fresh tear falling down her cheek, her voice croaky and weak, "Why Emily."

* * *

Fingers dance across the back of her hand drawing her out of her restless sleep. It takes a moment for her to remember where she is.

Curled up uncomfortably in an armchair.

They did offer her a hospital bed next door but she had refused opting to sleep in the same room as Jane.

She had fallen asleep with her hand in Jane's.

Despite the beeps that told her Jane was fine she kept her fingertips on Jane's wrist for her own peace of mind, at least thats what she told herself. That comforting pulse had become stronger since they arrived. The gentle thumps against her skin had allowed her to drift off to sleep.

Hands still connected, she follows Jane's arm up to her face and finds dark eyes locked onto hers. It makes her heart beat harder for a moment.

Maura stifles a yawn and forces a smile "You're awake."

Jane nods and smiles back without a word. Her skin is now pink and her eyes bright, not a smidgen of blue to be seen anywhere.

And the hand in hers is warm and soft.

"Are you ok Jane?"

Jane lets her fingers run over Maura's knuckles again before she nods.

"Stiff and sore," Jane whispers hoarsely, "But you probably are too."

Maura's can tell talking is painful for Jane right now.

She squeezes Jane's hand comfortingly.

"You don't have to talk. Can I get you anything?"

Jane shakes her head.

Maura bites her lip in thought wondering what to say.

Jane smirks at her probably noticing how uncomfortable it is for Maura.

"Did you want to know anything?"

Jane presses her lips together and a soft frown crosses her brow, "Darren?"

Maura swallows the lump that forms in her throat so she can speak, "He is in custody now. He is being treated for bullet wounds but should be fine."

Maura watches Jane's reaction. The way her eyes search thin air for answers, the way her jaw tightens as if she has something to say.

But then she just looks down at the sheets between them.

Maura pulls Jane's hand towards her lips and gently kisses the back of it earning her raised eyebrows in the form of a question. It felt so natural to do it before. It was a comforting promise of safety...only she forgot Jane had been unconscious the previous times.

"Sorry." Maura whispers, "I'm just so glad you are alive and unharmed. I thought I had...lost you. It was horrible. Watching you jump. Hoping you'd survive. Thinking you might not."

Jane screws her lips to the side almost like an apology.

"Do you remember what happened after you jumped?"

Jane shakes her head as she whispers 'no'.

Maura doesn't want to recount the experience just yet. The terror to raw. The fears still sitting so close to the surface.

"Lets talk about that later."

She meant it to sound casual but with the intense stare she gets she knows her feelings weren't as hidden as she would have liked.

"Maur." Jane whispers softly, "Thank you."

* * *

...to be continued...


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

* * *

Jane jogs along the edge of the stream, the sun on her back, the water moving slower than she is.

She doesn't remember it like this, warm and sunny, a slight breeze rustling in the green leaves, chirping birds, and bright yellow daffodils clustered in the shade of the trees.

She had come earlier than they planned to meet. She wanted to visit the bridge, look over the edge again, alone. It had been pretty, the blue water flowing slowly. She was sure she saw a few white fish feeding on the bottom.

The drop didn't seem as far.

It wasn't dark.

And it definitely wasn't that cold.

She wanted to come back but she can't remember precisely why now, perhaps to trigger some memory of the events, perhaps to remember how close to death she came.

Perhaps because she hears whispers close to her ear that she can't place. Perhaps because her hand always feels like it's somehow empty. Perhaps because she can't understand why she reaches for warmth in the night regardless of her temperature. Or why she is always checking she has her gun. Or why, now, when she hears water running she shivers involuntarily.

Today is the one year anniversary of Silvia's death, only a year ago today a life was lost.  
Two lost, because if Emily was alive, Silvia would be also.  
And she had almost lost her own life, near that same green country bridge.  
And that same night Darren had been shot, but it had not been fatal.  
Darren might also have taken Maura's life, if he had the chance.  
It could have been five lives lost because of one event. One murderer. One death.  
It is bittersweet in a way. Grief went hand in hand with gratitude.  
Gratitude that she was ok, that Maura was ok. Grief at the circumstances and loss of life.  
Often the thoughts of what her life would be like without Maura, and she pushes it quickly away, too painful to dwell on, too horrific to imagine.

Jane passes a mother and child having a picnic by the stream's edge. Squeals of delight as bare feet splash in the warm shallow waters.  
Jane shivers and looks away.  
She can't help but think of Emily, reminisce on all the things Darren told her about the bubbly warm-hearted eight year old that used to spend most sunny Sunday afternoons walking this track simply to feed the ducks. She can almost imagine the blue eyed girl running and laughing, becoming amused by some new thing she finds. Throwing bread into the water and eating some of it as well.

She has come here today, on this day, in part because Darren couldn't, because Emily couldn't. Perhaps deep down that was the real reason. Perhaps not.  
Darren didn't ask her to come this time, but she told him she would go.  
She needed him to be okay with that, and he had nodded in reply but said nothing more.  
Then she told Maura she was afraid to go alone. She was afraid fullstop. Since that day so many months ago, she had dreamed numerous times of slipping and falling. Waking with a scream on her lips. Afraid she had left Maura in danger yet again. It wasn't always a bridge she fell from, it was anything high. In those dreams, no matter the dream, it would start to snow and then she would fall. She always slipped. Never jumped. Always strange places. Once from the millennium plaza in Dubai, she lost her footing. The green railing gave way at the Niagara Falls and she plummeted downwards. Standing on top of a double decker bus that braked hard in New York. The Eiffel tower. Ayres rock. The top deck of cruise ship. The Grand Canyon. The roof of her apartment building.  
It was leaving Maura in danger that bothered her more than falling. It was always the thought of what would happen to her friend as she woke right before she hit the ground.  
There was never anyone after her in those dreams. The dark figure was after Maura.

Her dream waking in the hospital had been the worst. More vivid, more real. Hot sweat and burning skin.  
She never told Maura how grateful she was to wake with a hand in hers that first time. And every time after.

Once she left the hospital the dreams continued but seemed less intense. The beeping machines no longer like a ticking bomb telling her she was almost out of time.  
Often she stayed at Maura's and those nights the dreams didn't bother her at all. Because Maura was right there beside her, safe. She did notice that Maura had bad dreams too, although neither was never willing to discuss them. Once or twice she woke to find Maura asleep but her hand on Jane's wrist. And most morning's Maura thanked her for staying without saying why.  
Jane wondered if Maura's dreams, like hers, were nightmares when they were apart. So she made a habit of offering to stay over as often as possible, which Maura rarely turned down.

At the next bend in the path, Jane spots Maura sitting on a park bench gazing across the stream

"Hey Maur."

Maura turns and smiles at her, "Hi."

Jane sits and they both look towards the water in silence.

It feels like a different place. A different time.

"Is this where you found me?" Jane asks somewhat casually although her voice is raspier than usual.

Maura shakes her head, "Further up. Not far. This is roughly where Korsak found us."

Jane presses her lips together in thought. For some reason they haven't really talked about what happened. Perhaps it's just easier that way. Or perhaps it's time to find out, to move forward.

"Korsak said you were amazing."

Maura lowers her head slightly.

"I'm alive Maur...so pretty sure that was the understatement of the century."

Jane tries to give her an award winning grin and Maura can't help but smile slightly.

Although it was months ago, Maura is still glad for a vibrant, happy and very very warm, Jane. Sometimes at the morgue when she touches a corpse, the coldness of it brings her back here, to this location, against her will.

"He said you did a MacGyver thing as a signal."

"MacGyver?"

Jane chuckles, "Yeah...smarty pants stuff."

"I didn't have a paperclip Jane."

Jane spins her head around with a gasp, "You've seen it." She points a finger at Maura as if she is accusing her of a crime.

Maura laughs softly, "I do appreciate the comparison."

"You should." Jane chuffs with a smile, "Thank you for coming Maur.".

"Of course." Maura replies softly. She was surprised when Jane asked her, conflicted if she wanted to return her and at the same time joyful that Jane confided in her enough to tell her why.

And now, being here, it feels nothing like it did then. And she is left with only one question, one question she is afraid to ask.

And so she sighs softly instead.

Instead of questioning, shouldn't she just be grateful she didn't lose her best friend.

Long fingers glide against hers and take her hand softly, "What is it, Maura?"

"Nothing." Maura replies enjoying the touch more than she thinks she should. Holding hands has almost been the norm since the hospital, not all the time, but whenever one thinks the other needs it.

Jane tugs her hand to get her attention, "What's going on Maura? You hardly talk to me these days. Did I do something?"

Maura frowns as she looks up into dark chocolate eyes, "No...no of course not."

"Oh, ok."

Maura looks down at her hand in Jane's. How is it that she can feel so safe with touch. How is it she grew up without much touch and without feeling safe and then, as an adult, when she finally felt them she suddenly couldn't live without them.

"I suppose I should be upset at you for putting yourself in danger again." Maura offers.

"I suppose you could." Jane replies looking at Maura intently, waiting, wondering.

A long pause. Jane biting her lip to keep quiet, to not speak, to not interrupt her friends thoughts.

"Why Jane?"

"Why what Maur?"

" _Why_ did you jump?"

Jane frowns, she hadn't really thought about it much. She had thought a lot about the consequences of her actions.

"Did I have another choice?"

Maura huffs out a breath, "I-I don't know."

Jane squeezes the hand in hers, she wants to say something comforting but can't think what.

"Before I jumped...I thought about you, about Ma, Frankie and Tommy..."

"You did?"

"Yeah." Jane says with a sigh, "I didn't want to leave you...with him...I didn't want him hurting you. It was horrible to not know which would be more dangerous for you." She chooses to omit that in her dreams it was always the wrong choice.

"Jane." It's a sad whisper, sympathetic undertones.

"Don't pity me. It was a terrible situation. For us both." Jane says with a shrug, "I am sorry Maur. Really I am."

Maura squeezes Jane's hand, "It wasn't your fault Jane. Don't blame yourself."

Jane looks into Maura's hazel eyes that are avoiding looking at her, and she can see the anger sitting behind the surface.

"What is it Maur? What's wrong?"

Maura shakes her head as she looks down at the ground. When she looks back at Jane the anger has vanished, and she manages a tight smile, "I'm fine."

They gaze at each other for a moment, Jane trying to believe her and Maura trying to look convincing. The same dance as all the other times over this elusive topic.

Then they both look away, like they always do.

Jane sighs sadly, "The trial starts tomorrow."

"I know."

"Strange timing."

"Coincidence."

Jane huffs the air out her nose, noting that it isn't a white puff of cloud.

"I've never had this before."

"Had what?"

Jane turns to Maura in thought, "The victim has become the perpetrator. All because of Wesley Simpleton."

"Wesley isn't responsible for what Darren did."

Jane shrugs, "No. But he was the catalyst."

"Darren almost killed you Jane."

Jane can hear the frustration in Maura's voice, it's the same frustration she has heard before. She can understand it, but she doesn't feel the same as Maura.

It has caused an occasional surface tension.

"I'm alive."

"Darren wanted to kill you."

"I know." Jane squeezes Maura's hand, she won't let their differences come between them. Life and their friendship is far too precious, "You saved me."

* * *

_Jane had put herself firmly between the two of them._

_Darren Carlton and Wesley Simpleton._

_Wesley Simpleton was the accused murderer of Emily Carlton._

_At the arraignment, Wesley was silent when asked for his plea...guilty or not guilty. He did not speak so it was marked down as not guilty. Darren had started screaming at Wesley and was removed quickly from the courtroom._

_At the trial, Darren had sat day in and day out with a fuming scowl on his face directed at Wesley._

_When Darren took the stand, his anger likely put him out of favor with a few of the jurors, but he didn't care._

_Darren was a father suddenly without a child. A husband suddenly without a wife. A man who's life had turned on it's head. Absolutely nothing would ever be the same for him again._

_And the man that did it was less than halfway across the room from him._

_The man that refused to say a word was facing him in the witness box, watching his anger and fear and confusion without a response._

_And his silence further fueled Darren's growing rage._

_As each and every detail of Emilys life and brutal death was laid out, along with the details of other murders of other little girls and boys by the same accused man, the tensions in the room grew._

_Even Jane caught herself grinding her teeth on several occasions._

_The trial felt like it went on forever. It was painful for everyone, except Wesley._

_Even the defense lawyer was struggling a big part of the time, himself a father of a ten year old girl._

_Now...it was nearing the end of the trial. There was perhaps a day left before the jurors would begin deliberations._

_And as Wesley was being led from the courtroom by a guard, Darren had made his move, jumping the rail and racing across the room towards the special exit for convicts._

_And Jane had seen Darrens unusual behavior just as she was leaving and instinct had caused her to intervene._

_Bloody nose and long arms stretched out between the two of them, she demanded Darren to "Back off."_

_The gruff voice was heard even over Darrens screams, but he had eyes only for Wesley and what he intended to do to the man he faced._

_The security guards kept his hand firmly on Wesley's shoulder, not that he needed too. Wesley seemed uninterested in engaging any physical actions. He stood still and watched with a gleeful curiosity._

_Darren again lunges at Wesley, and again stopped by Jane, this time without her face coming into contact with flying arms._

_"It's not worth it. This isn't the way." Jane growls at Darren while she holds him in a sort of headlock, "Let the trial happen."_

_She doesn't blame Darren for wanting to kill Wesley. The man had, in one move, managed to take everything important from him._

_Darren continues to struggle and Jane continues to keep him mostly immobile. She glances an annoyed glare at the guard who is standing casually as if it's not his problem._

_"A little help?" She groans._

_The guard shakes his head and looks at Wesley, as if to say that the man in custory is his only job._

_"Why...why did you kill my baby?" Darren screams at Wesley looking like he could kill him with bare hands if he was free._

_Wesley looks at Jane, the woman that had caught him, then down to Darren again, the father of the girl whose life he had ended. He had heard in the papers that the mother had killed herself, he didn't care. He hadn't spoken a word to anyone but his lawyer since he had been read his rights at the funeral._

_He had always found silence did him justice._

_He hunted in silence, lived in silence, went about his business in silence._

_His father had beat him within an inch of his life when he was five for attempting to defend his mother. He had learnt that words hurt. Then when his father killed his mother, he spoke to the police, the result was that he was removed from his home and his siblings and placed in the system. No one wanted a bitter angry little boy living in their home and he never saw his family again._

_He spent his life in the system bouncing from home to home, school to school, city to city._

_He carried the guilt of not telling anyone what his dad was like before his mother was killed. And equally the pain of opening his mouth about it once it was to late to fix anything._

_Silence was safe._

_He pressed his lips together and furrowed his brow._

_Darren showed his teeth as he growled like a wild dog defending his territory._

_And then Wesley opened his mouth, exposing a crooked smile with missing teeth, he finally spoke..."You didn't protect her when she needed you."_

_Darren stops fighting like the life is sucked out of his body. And for one single moment it is like time stands still all around them._

_If Jane hadn't been busy holding Darren now so he didn't fall to the foor, it's quite likely that Wesley's guards would have had to put her in a headlock, because she wanted to kill the man herself._

_And as that still, you could hear a pin drop, moment passes away, Darren begins to sob heavily._

_"Don't listen to him." Jane growls as she lets Darren go because his weakness weighs her down more than his strength could have. She gives Wesley such a dark look that the guard actually steps in front of Wesley, like Jane just had with Darren, before turning and leading him away._

_Jane watches Wesley leave, swallows a lump in her throat, and pushes a tear away from her cheek before turning back to Darren._

_"It's not your fault." Jane begs him to believe her words, "Don't listen to that evil murderer."_

_Darren shakes his head side to side slowly as he continues to sob. Eventually he slides to the ground and lies prostrate on it, face down, still rocking with the sobs._

_Jane sits close by hugging her knees and holding the bruised side of her face. Her expression matches Darren, his loss feels like her loss._

* * *

"I stepped off the side of the bridge because he would shoot my friend if I didn't. After I hit the water I remember by body started to panic. It was so cold. I was gasping and trying to stay afloat but everything felt numb. And painful, like a million shards of glass. I tried to get to the side to get out. I think I hit a rock because my head hurt and then everything went black. I don't remember anything much after that."

A different trial, same courtroom, many of the same people present.

Perhaps there is less anger.

Jane glances at Maura while she speaks, noting her friend is looking at her with a deep expectation while rotating her ring around her finger. It was Maura's nervous tell.

The attorney for the defense, Darren, steps forward, a middle-aged man who is showing signs of balding. His dark brown eyes seemingly kinder than the way he moves himself across the floor towards her.

"Please describe for me how Mr. Carlton appeared to you at the time of you being forced to jump."

"Um...distressed. Angry. Upset. Like he had nothing to loose and someone needed to pay for the pain he was going through."

Jane sees Maura look down at the ground with a frown.

"And prior to that night?"

"As I have said, I met Mr. Carlton under extenuating circumstances. His daughter, Emily, was missing at the time. Considering the circumstances, homicide was called in to help in case she was found deceased. Her body was found a day later and homicide took over the case. I was the lead detective so I interviewed Darren and his wife and followed up every lead. Mr. Carlton was extremely upset at the death of his eight year old daughter. Then, not long after, his wife committed suicide. I don't know how he coped really. The investigation continued but there was little physical evidence at the time. Four days later was his wife's funeral. Then, because there was no more physical evidence we could gain, Emily's funeral. The man that killed Mr Carlton's daughter, Walter was arrested at that funeral. Mr Carlton witnessed his arrest. Then there was the arraignment and the trial. It was all over the news. We were all harassed by the media. There were breaking points for all of us over that time. Details were revealed about what the perp did..." Jane clenches her jaw as she speaks, "...what he did to Emily. It was sickening. I've been in homicide for a long time and not many things have come close to this. It was all over the news nationwide as well. And then Wesley Simpleton was finally convicted...but...it wasn't enough for any of us...no sentence would have been enough..."

When Jane looks up she see's Maura is looking at her, that deep intense look that often caused her to fumble over her own words. Like she was being examined. Like she might have done something wrong.

She can't help but swallow the lump forming in her throat.

"Anything else you want to say, Detective Rizzoli?"

Jane looks away from Maura back to the lawyer, "Uh...What?"

He smiles at her. That sort of genuine 'I understand' smile.

"Anything you'd like to say about how you feel or what you think? To Darren, to the jury, to me."

His eyes sparkle in a way that could make you believe he was an honest man that cared about people he didn't know very well. He liked Jane. He had spoken to her numerous times over other cases. He liked her 'down to the point not messing around' attitude, he also knew she cared deeply about the victims of her cases and had a way of almost hiding that fact. He was there for Darren today, that was his job, but something told him that Jane didn't like the situation. He had seen it during Wesley Simpletons trial as well. He had watched Jane tackle Darren to stop him killing Wesley, and he had seen Jane look like she wished she had killed Wesley for him.

Jane starts to shake her head no. But then she notices that Darren is watching her carefully, fearfully. Perhaps even regretfully.

He still has that look, like he had nothing to live for anymore.

She can still see the same pain in his face she saw in he day she met him.

"I have seen what pain does. The people that are hurting tend to hurt other people. Sometimes it's family that is hurt the most. I've seen bullies become victims and victims become bullies. What Darren did to me was wrong...yeah...But I forgive him." Jane turns to Darren, "I forgive you Darren. I am sorry for what you went through."

Those sad blue eyes lighten, the brow furrows in confusion.

And he suddenly looks years younger.

The moment of silence feels longer as the jurors whisper among themselves before the prosecuting lawyer speaks. She is short with librarian glasses and a short sandy grey haircut.

"Doctor Maura Isles testified yesterday..."

Jane looks from Darren to the lawyer and then to Maura, "Okay?"

"Although you don't remember much of what happened after you hit the water. She gave us a very detailed and vivid account of what happened to you and also to her."

Maura looks at the ground again refusing to meet Jane's gaze.

"Your emergency department doctor also gave a detailed account of your four days in intensive care."

Jane looks back at the prosecution lawyer.

"Were you aware that what saved your life was Doctor Isles pulling you out of the water?"

"Yes."

"Did you know it was also her decision to bypass the closest hospital and risk driving an extra ten minutes with you very close to death to get to the larger, better equipped hospital?"

Jane swallows heavily, she vaguely remembers hearing fighting that night although she couldn't be sure where she was at the time or what the fight was about. She does remember the voices were Korsak and Maura. She does remember Maura sounding stressed. Perhaps the things she thought were part of her nightmares were real.

"No."

"Are you aware that Doctor Isles confessed to receiving counseling for anxiety caused by the events on the bridge, the pursuit of the perpetrator and subsequent shooting?"

Jane shakes her head, "No."

After that night, Maura had begun to skip their usual lunches together, always on a monday. Jane had never asked where her friend went those days. Something told her Maura wouldn't tell her and she would feel disappointed in being shut out. So she stupidly had said nothing.

"That, since that night, she has suffered and still suffers from nightmares?"

Jane looks at Maura again, her brows crash together in confusion and she can feel her eyes are wet, Maura keeps her head down, "No, she never told me that."

"Doctor Isles experience was that Mr Carlton very much wanted you to be dead even trying to kill you in front of several armed officers."

Jane nods, she had been told some of the details of that night.

"When the bullet hit Mr Carlton, Doctor Isles thought either herself or you had been shot."

Jane shakes her head, not because it's not true, but because it had never been explained to her in that way.

"It seems you have a lot of sympathy for the man that put your friend through a lot of pain and was intent on taking your life."

Jane can feel her eyes become teary as she nods her head in agreement.

She does have sympathy for Darren, it's not something she can help.

"Don't you think Mr Carlton should pay for what he did, Detective Rizzoli?"

Jane is torn, She can't answer that without it seeming like caring for him means she condones injustice. The injustices to him, from him. She doesn't want to answer.

* * *

...to be continued...


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

* * *

_"It's about justice isn't it?"_

_Maura doesn't answer Jane immediately. She knows Jane is referring to Darren's trial yet neither has brought it up, till now. It's still weeks away but it's been playing on Jane's mind. Maura would prefer to pretend the day will never come and instead snuggle back under the warm covers as close to Jane as she can._

_Maura listens to the pattern of raindrops tinkering on the roof. It sounds like a heartbeat, double beat for the two ventricles, slightly irregular. It sound like a cardia cycle with an erratic s2. Possibly an arrhythmia._

_She used to find rain calming. Now it reminded her of that night, on the way to the hospital, at the hospital, during recovery._

_Although Jane had stabilized, there had been concerns._

_So now the rain was like her nightmares, every night, Jane's heart beating within an inch of it's life. The nightmares didn't happen when Jane slept over, perhaps that is why she had continued to accept the offer or even request it._

_She could feel Jane's heartbeat, regular...completely normal...not crying out 'Help me...boom boom, heeelp meeee...booooomm boooooooommmmmm...'_

_She glances at Jane, lips pink, cheeks warm and red tinged rose, deep slow breaths and flickering eyelids. Such a contrast from a freezing cold Jane that night that would have died without her._

_She watches Jane's chest rise and fall. Distracted from all other thoughts just for a moment except the beauty of life and the simple breaths that continually sustain it._

_And she remembers Darren. The tearful, sad, angry, lost, revengeful and broken Darren. Not all at once, one leading to another, like grief, a spiral inside a circle inside a loop._

_Perhaps it was just his grief, or perhaps it was something more._

_Jane lays in her bed, still, waiting patiently, allowing her to answer in her own time._

_Maura draws her eyebrows together._

_Justice was something she felt they did not agree on._

_"Um..." Maura uncharacteristically starts as well as concludes._

_"You don't agree?" Jane asks softly._

_Maura turns her head to look at Jane, she tries to keep her eyes soft and works to keep her words controlled. She didn't want to convey to Jane her own true feelings on the matter, her own strong dislike for Darren, her anger at the way Jane was so hurt and helpless, the week of recovery Jane took, and the wait for Darren to heal so he could stand trial._

_A man for whom justice had failed, that was lost and sought his own 'justice'. She wanted him to be held accountable for his actions._

_"Whose justice are you referring too Jane...his or yours...or maybe mine?"_

_Jane looks back at the ceiling as she rubs her hands together slowly, "Just...justice."_

_"Justice..." Maura says with a scowl, "...Justice for Darren, the man who tried to kill you. Or the injustices to Darren being the reason he did so."_

_Jane presses her palms together. Justice was always a rough subject. Jane's own injuries and the crimes the perpetrators paid never being or feeling equal. Not at the time anyway. Perhaps that is how every victim felt. Jane would just push it away, deep deep down. Losing colleagues and friends. Gaining her own scars both internally and physically. Fears and stresses. Her nightmares. Jane had a life marred with many instances of repeated injustice. She was constantly disappointed by the justice system itself. Jane had sworn an oath, she made a commitment, to protect and serve...the service part meant she had agreed to submit to the law...even when she didn't believe it was right or want to._

_Maura chews her lip a moment before answering "For me, Jane...justice is that Darren pays for what he did to you, to us, regardless of the reasons he did it. It won't seem fair to him because he has already justified his own actions. But say he did kill you Jane...would it be alright for me to go out and take that out on someone else that didn't deserve it?"_

_"Course not." Jane replies indignantly._

_"Isn't that what Darren did?"_

_Jane scowls slightly causing her to look grumpy and adamant, "He didn't...mean too. He was h-hurting badly."_

_The stutter isn't missed by Maura._

_"That doesn't excuse what he did."_

_"I know but I'm ok aren't I?"_

_Maura resists the urge to touch Jane tenderly. Alive...ok and Alive._

_Maura wants to tell Jane how she really feels, what she really thinks, how the whole thing has affected her...but her instinct is to keep it to herself, locked away. Safe._

_"Don't deflect Jane. You know very well that if it was anyone but you that jumped...that he would be facing a murder charge."_

_Jane shakes her head in frustration not disagreement._

_Maura reaches her hand out and tucks her fingers under Jane's chin, it takes a moment before Jane allows Maura to turn her head so they are facing. Their eyes lock, sad ones against frustrated ones._

_"What if he had made_ **_me_ ** _jump?" Maura whispers._

_The frustration vanishes and Jane clenches her jaw tightly, her expression unreadable from one moment to the next._

_She doesn't need to reply because Maura already knows what's going on in that pretty head._

_Conflict._

_Jane turns her head again, easily escaping from Maura's hand as well as that probing look she was getting._

_"Justice is not always just, in fact it is rarely just. Because one persons deemed justice causes injustices to another. Darren will have to face what he did and someone will decide what a fair and just punishment is."_

_Jane closes her eyes in response._

_Maura places her hand over Jane's gently. She can feel that the pulse under her touch is rapid. Faster than the rain. Stronger than it was at the hospital._

_Maura continues, "What if Darren was free and still feels justice has not been served...what if he finds someone else to take your place, someone else to punish, to hurt?"_

_A tear escapes Jane's eyelid and starts to make it's way slowly towards her ear. Usually she would brush it away harshly pretending it had never been, but perhaps ignoring it makes it less real and doesn't draw as mush attention to it in the first place._

_Maura tries to ignore it for Jane's sake._

_A few seconds later another one follows it, the exact same path._

_"Jane." Maura almost chokes the word out, the sight of Jane like this is almost breaking her own emotional walls down._

_Jane turns her head further away from Maura._

_"Life isn't fair Jane."_

_Jane growls softly under her breath, "You think I don't know that. You think I haven't thought about the people that hurt me, and you, and what they deserve and whether I think they got what they really deserved?"_

_Maura bites her lip, she didn't mean to push a button or expose a deep wound._

_"Do you think that I think that my baby died and the scum that did it really paid for what he did to me...to my baby?"_

_The silence is palatable and Maura regrets the conversation in it's entirety._

_Jane turns to face Maura and props herself up on her elbow, "It's never just...it's never fair. That's the problem...it can't be. It's not fair to Darren either...But he already lost everything that mattered to him. I've not experienced that...I have lost so much and so often but not everything that mattered. There was always my Ma and Pop. My brothers. My partners. And...you. I can only imagine if I lost everything I cared about and screwed everything up so completely...I could only hope that someone would have an ounce of sympathy for me. That there would be a single shred of hope somewhere. That I would have an opportunity to put it right somewhere, somehow. I don't expect justice...I don't think many people even know what justice looks like. Because who can judge what is truly fair, what is truly deserved. The scales can't be balanced by any one of us. But we can be kind and caring and be grateful for what we have right in front of us. Can't we?"_

_Maura can feel a tear trickle out her own lacrimal ducts. She can't help but sit up fully and wrap her arms around Jane's shoulders and just hug her._

_How can such a sarcastic angry complicated person carry such a deep illogical kindness. And how could someone as wonderful as Jane even be friends with someone so clinical, like her. All the other thoughts vanish as she is distracted by Jane's warmth and an arm returning the hug, firm and...well...Jane's._

_Jane clad only in a white tank top from the waist up makes the situation regretful. Maura can't help but blush. Pulled from these new thoughts when she realizes that her actions have increased the amount of tears from Jane._

_She pulls back because too much skin makes it hard to think straight. At least she tries too, but the way Jane is looking at her makes it almost as hard as having her in her arms. Jane's eyes are so intense, so desperate to be understood. Pleading and questioning and hoping and sad and perhaps conflicted._

_"Yes." Maura whispers weakly, her throat constricted by a large lump people tend to call feelings, "I understand Jane. I do."_

_Jane lets out a heavy shaky sigh and partially relaxes._

_"What do you want to do then Jane?"_

_Jane shakes her head side to side slowly, she doesn't know...not really._

_But it's clear she doesn't want Darren to end up suffering more than he already has._

_Maura reaches her hand and brushes Jane's cheek softly, brushing away the moist reminder of sadness and anger. Jane instinctively reaches up and takes Maura's hand before giving her that same intense pleading hopeful look._

_Maura feels like it almost might break her heart._

_"I don't know."_

_Maura rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling with a sigh._

_"I'm glad he didn't make you jump." Jane whispers_

* * *

"With all due respect, Ma'am, I feel that's for the jury to decide."

The lawyer pause and squints ever so slightly at Jane. Jane doesn't care, she just want's to go home now. She doesn't want to feel trapped anymore. She feels like she is the one on trial.

It's like Darrens pain and Mauras pain can't exist simultaneously.

Maura would call that mutually exclusive.

They can't exist together, As if she can't feel them both, see them both. She wished she couldn't, she wishes neither pain existed at all. She can't take either pain away, regardless of what she says today.

But mostly she wants to express to Maura how sorry she is. She just want's to find a way to help her friend, be it a hug or sleepover or promising she will never jump off a bridge...again.

But not at the sake of Darren, or anyone in that possition...for whom she places Wesley solely responsible even if Maura doesn't.

She clenches her jaw angrily...all this has gone on far to long.

Death, Suicide, Funeral, Funeral, Trial, Conviction, Attempted Murder, Shooting, Recovery, Another Trial...

Would it ever end...how much more harm is this process doing.

And now she feels backed into a corner, under pressure, condemned.

The prosecution continues despite Jane's internal dilema, "Cold water submersion is often fatal. But a person cannot be declared dead until they are fully rewarmed..."

Jane watches as Maura finally looks up and locks their gazes together. Wet and slightly red eyes. Hands clasped together tightly. No hint of happiness or a smile.

Jane wishes she would smile.

There hadn't been a lot of smiles lately...not since that night on the bridge.

"...It took over twelve hours for your core temperature to return to normal..."

* * *

Jane was presented with decreased level of consciousness. A core temperature of 26 degrees taken during ventilation on arrival.

The hospital was efficient, proactive, quick.

They immediately administered heated intravenous fluids.

After thirty minutes of monitoring there was little improvement, so they moved to rewarming via the use of a hemodialysis machine.

Maura watched as Jane's blood was removed, heated and returned back into circulation.

She watched in silence, her eyes darting between the doctor, the machine, and Jane. Breath held. Hopeful but not daring to feel hope just yet.

The moment Jane's doctor advised that Jane's temperature was now 27 degrees, Maura let out a shaky heavy breath of relief.

Each degree increase in core temperature over the next twelve hours was a good reason for celebration. Korsak had initially, and spontaneously, hugged Maura when she told him it was working and Jane's temperature had gone up a degree. A few less spontaneous hugs from Korsak as Maura advised of each degree rise that followed. And then Maura had initiated every hug after that.

They continuously monitored Jane's blood pressure and heart rate.

Maura was allowed to hold Jane's hand occasionally, hands that were still cold, she hoped frostbite wouldn't be an issue, but she also knew they could not warm the extremities until the core temperature was raised or the result could be shock. And death.

The doctor, Maura had noted since they arrived, waved her hands more when the top end of the serious scale concerns were raised. Coagulation. Arrhythmias. Peripheral perfusion. Acidosis. Acute renal failure. Metabolic dysfunction.

The arms stayed by the side when the concerns were at the slightly less serious end of the scale. Hyponea. Hypotensive. Bradycardia. Vasoconstriction. Hypoxia. High blood pressure.

Not that the doctor was addressing her, but it became Maura's gauge of how bad it all could have been versus how well Jane was actually doing.

The difference a few more minutes in that cold water could have made. Even a few more hours wet and surrounded by snow before they were found.

Jane was administered epinephrine when her core temperature reached 30 degrees.

At 39 degrees Maura listened to the doctors as they verified all Janes vitals were stabilized as well as heart, metabolism, nervous system and organs were functioning correctly, and that the minor concerns would be monitored closely over the following 48 hours.

And that when Jane regained consciousness they would know more. At that point Korsak went home and Maura could finally rest.

Over the next eight hours Jane was in and out of consciousness, only slightly delirious which could have been the pain medication.

She received a few stitches to the cut on her head which only started to bleed as her blood vessels returned to a normal size.

But all in all, it was promising. Surprisingly promising.

Maura stayed by Jane's side the remainder of Jane's stay in hospital.

She wouldn't leave Jane just as Jane had never left her.

* * *

"Were you aware how close to death you came Detective Rizzoli?"

"Yes." Jane growls. It's becoming increasingly frustrating for her, feeling pushed into hating a man she pities. Like the harm to her completely absolves the suffering he went through.

"Were you also aware how close Doctor Isles came to death."

Jane nods as she glances up at Maura, "Yes."

"Logic as well as the evidence leads us to believe Mr Carltons actions on that bridge, against you, was premeditated. Would that also be your opinion Detective Rizzoli?"

Jane's glance at Maura turns into stare even though she knows this situation it isn't her friends fault, but she unable to control her feelings inside her much longer, "I guess it certainly appears that way."

The lawyer looks to where Jane is staring before continuing slowly, deliberately.

"Doctor Isles believes he would have done anything to kill you. He followed her when she was searching for you. She hid you from him and he continued to pursue you both. What do you think about that?"

The stare becomes a glare, tight and unhappy. Maura had discussed this with the attorney and not her. Anger hides the tears she knows that want to rush out. Anger protects her.

"Do you want me to say that Darren should suffer because of what he did to us?"

Maura's face contorts into frustration, her own annoyance, her own glare forming as she inhales a long deep breath in.

Jane continues without a pause, "Well, I'm sorry. I know that's what you all want me to say. That's what you want to hear...but I don't feel that way. I don't want him to suffer because...I think he already has. I don't think he _can_ be hurt anymore. I just...I don't want anyone else to get hurt. It's enough isn't it? Haven't we all been through enough already? Can't it just all stop?"

Maura's mouth drops open slightly, her own feelings dissipating slowly into something she can't begin to describe. Something she has not felt before.

"You think I don't feel terrible about what you...what we-...what my friends and family went through. You think I would want to see anyone go through that?"

Half the jurors turn to Maura finally realizing Jane is looking at a person, perhaps saying something personal in the undertones of her answer.

Maura stiffens and her jaw and lips purse tightly together.

"What about this as a question..." Jane's face finally softens, frustration replaced by sympathy, anger replaced by exhaustion, her eyes becoming slightly wet, brows raising into soft sad arches, "...Would you want me to go through what Darren is going through? To loose that only thing I loved and cared about with no way to get it back? That my whole life is destroyed?"

The lawyer looks at the judge expecting the man to bang his gavel and call a recess, but he seems more interested in hearing an answer to Jane's own questions from someone in the room.

Maura wishes she was close enough to slap Jane. To scream 'how dare you' at the top of her lungs. How could Jane believe she might want that. How could Jane think it was ok for her to almost lose her life again. That that was less important than Darren's life. That it was okay what she herself went through.

It wasn't their fault...it had nothing to do with them.

Darren didn't even matter to her, only Jane mattered to her...Jane who must think Darren matters more than her.

Was what she went through was really that small compared to what Darren had gone through.

How could that justify what he did, trying to take away her Jane.

Maura can't cope with her own feelings so she gets up graciously and quietly and silently leaves the courtroom.

Jane sits slightly bewildered, watching her leave, her heart racing and her feelings distorted together, barely able to catch a single one, like fireflies.

"Crap." She groans softly.

Her feelings never comes out like she wants, she always messes up with Maura. She is the only person she knows of that can make Maura cry so easily. And she hates herself for it.

The irony of it all. The staunch smart rich kid that wears her heart tucked up under her sleeve where everyone can hurt her, but no one can see that they do so, and the confidant blue-collar kid that feels for everyone she meets which somehow manages to hurt only those she doesn't want it to on a regular basis. And the two of them are the best of friends.

* * *

_It feels like a rebuke the moment the words are free in the otherwise silent hospital room, "The things you do for me Jane."_

_She didn't mean for it to be. But then Jane can't hear it yet anyway._

_The nurses have just left. Jane who has been at a normal stabilized temperature for six hours now is still not awake. They don't seem concerned, but Maura woke fifteen minutes ago and hoped her friend would be fully conscious by now. At the very least simply to ease her own fears and worries._

_Jane looks asleep, forehead warm and slightly damp. No longer hooked up to several machines._

_Maura lifts Jane's hand, it's slightly limp but warm and sweaty._

_"You have to stop worrying me like this Jane." Maura says pressing the warm palm to her cheek._

_She reaches her other hand to brush imaginary hair off Jane's face and across her temple. She watches Jane's throat noticing the strong and regular pulse just under the skin._

_"I can't believe I almost lost you again. It made me wish I had told you how much I loved you. I almost did once. I hope I get to try again soon."_

_She lowers the warm hand from her cheek and wraps both hers around it._

_"Let me save you Jane. I can't save you if you die. Please please wake up."_

_The doctor had said she might take several hours, that Jane's body had a lot of recovery and healing to do. But she desperately just wanted to gaze into chocolate eyes and watch a warm smile grow across familiar cheeks. To know everything was ok and would be ok._

_Not this stillness, not this quiet unmoving. It wasn't like Jane to be so still. So unanimated. So quiet. Even when Jane slept she snored, rolling over occasionally, finding a comfortable position and settling into it with a soft grunt or a sigh. Her long arms seeming stretching in all directions and never for long before she repositioned, tucking those arms under something or wrapping around or flopping over one thing or another again._

_But here they were. Roles reversed. Jane the patient, still and calm and quiet...and Maura the hero, fretting and irritable and frustrated._

_Maura pulls Jane's hand to her lips and presses a soft kiss against warm knuckles, holding it for as long as she possibly can._

_Long enough for Maura to begin to drift into another semi restless slumber, her head slipping onto the bed, Jane's hand still clutched in her own._

* * *

The painful questions finally stop, and a recess is called.

Jane escapes the claustrophobic courtroom and heads to the park without looking back.

She makes her way to that place they both often go when things are messy or stressful or just plain wrong.

She finds Maura sitting alone on a park bench looking far into the distance.

It reminds her of a few weeks ago when Maura sat looking at that stream, the one that tried to claim her life.

"I'm sorry Maur." Jane offers as sincerely as she can, "That really wasn't meant for you."

"Are you sure about that Jane?" Maura asks sternly without changing position or looking at her friend. That protective staunch demeanor.

Jane sits cautiously beside her friend, close enough to say 'I'm here and i'm not leaving you', but with enough distance to avoid a slap which she thinks maybe she deserves.

"It was not meant for you, I swear it. I felt...agh...trapped...frustrated...so much I couldn't deal with right then. I hate that I hurt you, I hate that I care about others when maybe I should just care about those close to me. I'm sorry Maur, i'm an idiot for exploding like that."

Maura doesn't reply or turn and Jane rubs her palms together with a newfound frustration.

"I didn't know what you were going through, Maur, how bad it was. I was surprised, and sad that you didn't tell me. But what I said in there...Maur...I do care more about you...and I don't ever want to minimize what you're experiencing."

"But you did." Maura whispers holding back tears.

"I know. Damn. I know...I'm so sorry." Jane whispers looking at Maura, wishing Maura would look back at her, wanting to see those hazel eyes not angry with her anymore, but it doesn't come.

"What I know of what happened was awful. What Korsak told me...and the report. I wasn't allowed to hear your testimony...and then that, hearing all that, it really shocked me. Like this whole other thing happened to you and you didn't want to tell me. All the times I've talked about Darren since, all the things i've said about feeling for him and his suffering, about justice...you never...you never said anything."

"I..." Maura shakes her head, "You'd been through enough and I didn't want you to worry."

Jane reaches across to touch the back of Maura's hand gently, "Friends are meant to worry. You worry about me all the time."

A slight uplift, just for a second, on the corner of Maura's lips, then it's gone again.

How she wishes for that sweet smile.

"We are LBFF's and you should be able to tell me anything...not keep it from me. I want to know what's going on for you. I want to be there for you. No matter what I'm going through. You're really important to me, I hope you know that."

Maura doesn't reply, doesn't nod.

"Maur, I've broken your trust, but I want to earn it back, put this right. There is no way I am letting Wesley destroy another family."

Maura turns, glassy eyed, "Family?"

"Yeah Maur."

Another hint of a smile that fades as quickly as it appeared. The expression morphs into pity, "Jane...I almost lost you again...it almost broke me. You didn't break my trust, we just have a different perspective on who is to blame. You think everything rests on Wesley's shoulders...but I say we are all responsible for our choices and or responses. Darren made the wrong choices too and he is accountable for those choices. For whatever reason you want to put on it..it was his choice...no one held a gun to his head and made him do what he did. He didn't just turn up there that night lost and angry and called you to come support him. He lured you there and pulled a gun on _you_."

Jane frowns, she knows Maura is right with what she is saying.

" _He_ did all that, not Wesley. And I...I hate him for that. I do. I hate him for almost taking you away from me. If everyone did what they felt like the world would be a very different place. A very dangerous place...more than we already know it to be."

Jane nods, "You're right. You are. But maybe Darren needed a little guidance, some help on how to handle his feelings and his pain."

"There was support in place for him. As much as she needed. He knew that."

Silence.

"I almost lost you again...I can't loose you Jane."

Jane bites her lip.

"Would you have jumped if I wasn't there?"

Jane shrugs, "I don't know. Maybe. Probably."

Maura shakes her head letting a few tears fall.

"I'm glad you were there Maur-, to save me...I'm also sorry you had to go through that."

"You are good at your job _because_ you care...and because you feel, Jane. But that situation shouldn't have happened...that's my point. You shouldn't have been on that bridge with him...Darren shouldn't have been there. He shouldn't have had a gun. I shouldn't have been there."

"Neither should Silvia." Jane responds gruffly then scowls knowing that was the wrong thing to say, "Sorry. You're right."

"No, you're right Jane. Silvia shouldn't have been there, Emily shouldn't have been abducted, and Wesley shouldn't have been abused as a child. That is a lot of should nots which don't mean much anymore. No one should be able to blame the past for wrong choices."

Jane sighs heavily, it's the same loop she does in her head, pushing the blame ever backwards, perpetually.

"I don't blame you Jane...I just don't like that I almost lost you again."

Jane grunts softly, "I know."

Neither can change anything about the past.

"I love you Jane."

Jane smiles softly, "And I love you."

When Jane glances sideways she catches a searching look in Maura's face, but then it's gone, and Maura starts to play with her ring.

Jane has never seen that look before, she is about to ask about it when Maura speaks again.

"Wesley's father was found as a baby on an orphanage doorstep covered in burn marks."

"What?" Jane almost falls off the bench in surprise.

"I saw the file." Maura whispers, "Supposedly his mother left him there to protect him from his father who was a drunk. The mother thought she was doing the best for her boy, protecting him, but the son felt unwanted and unworthy and eventually became the a father just like his was. The cycle repeated."

"Oh...wow." Jane says with a frown, partly at the information, partly at why Maura chose this moment to tell her.

"Darren acted like Wesley, he became part of the cycle. Harming others. And I want to say that none of them can say that they didn't have a choice...but I don't know."

Jane sighs.

"If he had killed you, Jane, I would have thought about killing him. I might have ended up just like Darren."

"That's...uh...worryingly sweet?"

"What if I had died and you had lived Jane? Would you have done the same? Would you have become like them?"

A heavier sigh, "Probably... Definitely. I'd have wanted him dead."

"So you know how I feel Jane."

"Yeah."

"And where does it end...how do you put a stop to pain that causes harm that causes pain that causes harm and so on?"

"Someone has to break the cycle. Someone has to take the hurt, bear it, and not do more harm."

Maura doesn't have to ask how a cycle is broken. They both know in the case of Darren, prison either breaks the cycle or puts a temporary stop to one.

"I just...arg...I feel so bad for him. I got to close I guess. It became personal." Jane whimpers.

Maura reaches across the distance and places a hand on Jane's shoulder, resting it gently and squeezing it, "I know you feel for him." _That's what I love about you._ "It's not you fault, you didn't cause his pain. He made his own choices and has to face his own consequences. I'm glad you forgive him, because you have stopped this thing reaching further and doing more harm."

Jane moves her body closer closing the distance, she takes Maura's hand in hers, and for some unknown to her reason, she lifts Maura's hand and kisses the back of it. The warmth more comforting that anything else in her world. Until she realizes what she just did and lets go quickly.

"Sorry, I really don't know why I did that." Jane says with a blush of embarrassment.

Maura almost laughs. She pulls Jane's hand to her lips and kisses the back of it, like she did a million times at the hospital while Jane was unconscious.

"It's fine Jane...I don't want to fight...And mostly I don't want to loose you."

"You won't, even if we don't agree on everything, our friendship is stronger than that. Right."

Maura closes her eyes, Jane's warm hand still in her own. She hopes it's the truth.

"You know I'm not putting Darren at the top...you're already at the top Maur-."

Maura can't help but smile at that.

"The jury begins deliberations tomorrow. Then maybe this will be finally over?"

It's rhetorical in part but with hope of a better tomorrow.

Maura whispers her reply, "I hope so. I really do."

When Jane glances back at Maura suddenly all the conversations over the past few months, all the nights together, restless sleeps, and missing smiles...it all makes sense to her now... "Arg, I can't believe we both suffer from PTSD now."

Maura lets their fingers interlink, "Well, at least we can help each other."

There should be a 'now' at the end of the sentence, at least they can help each other now, now that they both know. Jane swallows her guilt.

Maura runs her thumb across Jane's palm and Jane watches the movements, "Do you want me to stay over tonight?"

Maura suspected Jane knew that she slept better when Jane was there even before anything was said, for Maura her nightmares don't exist when Jane is close, her pulse within reach, and so she nods, because to say 'yes' out loud would cause her to loose control of her lacrimal glands.

* * *

_"I'm afraid."_

_Even in her dreams it feels so real, that fear, that terror._

_"How many times have I saved you."_

_"So many times i've lost count, Jane."_

_"So what's wrong? Do you think I won't protect you Maur?"_

_"I know you will...But...what if you're the one that needs me?"_

_"Then you'll be there, I trust you completely."_

_"What if I can't save you? What if I let you down?"_

_Jane snorts a laugh just like she would in real life._

_"You almost died Jane. You almost froze to death, right after you almost drowned."_

_"And you saved me."_

_"But what if it happens again...what if you're in danger again and I can't? What if I let you down?"_

_"Where am I Maura?"_

_"Asleep next to me."_

_"Then stop worrying, just sleep. It's all over."_

_"I can't. I'm scared."_

_"Shhhh"_

_Even the Jane that holds her in her dreams is warm and soft and smells of lavender._

_"Nothing is gonna happen to me Maur, I promise. Believe me?"_

_"Yes."_

_As soon as Maura says it she knows everything has be ok._

* * *

"...Non compos mentis."

"Maur...really...Latin?" Jane asks with an exasperated sigh.

Maura pauses and Jane leans closer, so close there is no space between them.

Maura pauses for as long as she thinks she can get away with it. Having Jane this close, skin against skin, feeling her breath, her warmth radiating, hair tickling her own skin. It is a tingling sensation she can never get enough of.

"It means. Not of sound mind."

Jane raises an eyebrow, "You better not be referring to me."

Maura chuckles and slips her arm through Jane's arm and pulls her close to whisper in her ear, "Darren."

It's been four days since the trial ended. The jury have taken their time. And with Jane's lack of patience...after two days of asking every few hours, she gave up thinking it would ever be over.

Jane waits through the pause until she can bear it no more, "Aaaaaaand?"

Maura chuckles at the impatience she knows so well.

"The verdict is in...Darren was found guilty but not of sound mind. So he won't necessarily go to prison."

Jane squeezes Maura's arm clumsily, mostly in surprise.

"So...he will end up in a nut house?"

"Maybe...there are protocols. Assessments. More logistical legal stuff."

"Stuff?" Jane chuckles, "You're starting to sound like me."

Maura blushes.

"So he will get help?"

"Yes. Either way. He will get as much as he needs...as much as he should have had."

Jane can't control her wide smile that reaches her ears.

Maura smiles back. That smile, those dimples, they pulls her heartstrings and makes her heart beat harder.

The smiles are like before, before this all started. Smiles with twinkling eyes that are long and lingering.

"Did you have something to do with that outcome, Maura?"

Maura's smile drops as she clears her throat, caught out, and feeling silly for forgetting her friend is one of the best detectives in Boston and most of the time can read her too easily.

And Jane just wraps a long arm around her shoulder pulling her into a hug, whispering against the crown of her head, "Thank you Maur."

Maura feels her body become like putty realizing how easily their bodies slotted together like pieces of a puzzle.

"I don't know what you did, or how, and I don't need to know. But...Maur...I do want to know why?"

Maura sighs, she wants to reply, 'because I love you'. Perhaps she will regret not saying how she feels again, like she did over the question 'are you attracted to me'. But with everything that's happened, and happening...with all the emotional highs and lows, fears and concerns...the pain, the hurt, the newfound hope. Today isn't the day for confessions. "Uh...Because you asked me too Jane."

Jane snorts softly out her nose, "What? I ask you to a lot of things which you mostly outright refuse."

Maura hopes Jane doesn't pull away, "I...I thought it would help you. It was what you needed."

"What about what you needed?"

 _'I only need this'_ , Maura thinks and can't help but smile to herself, "It's over and I have everything I need, Jane."

Jane holds her a little tighter and Maura smiles, nuzzling into dark curls and warm skin, wishing this right now was a daily event.

They stay in a warm and close embrace. For a little longer than expected, longer than Maura is used to. She starts to gently pull away but finds that Jane isn't letting her go.

"What is it Jane? What's wrong?"

"Why does something have to be wrong?"

"Because...you're hiding from me again."

Jane sighs but doesn't let go, keeping her face hidden from Maura, "I guess...I thought about what you said. About if he had made someone else jump. Made _you_ jump. And I thought maybe wanting to help him...defend him...that was a mistake after all. And I got scared that I had screwed up...and hurt you...or that someone else could get hurt. But now it's ok...everything is ok again?"

Maura frowns softly, confused whether Jane is happy or upset, "I find you very complicated Jane."

Jane chuckles before finally pulling away, that's when Maura can see the tears in the corners of her eyes, "Even with what he put you through...you still helped him. You're amazing Maur."

She is about to protest Jane's assertion when warm lips press against her cheek. Maura's heart pauses a beat or two and then speeds up. She can feel the flush travel from her armpits to her forehead and she bites her lip. This was perhaps the best decision she ever made.

"You're welcome Jane."

And then Jane, very carefully and deliberately, as she watches Maura's reaction, lifts Maura's hand to her lips and purposely presses a kiss to it. Her eyes never leaving Maura's, her lips lingering on Maura's skin, and a hint of a smile playing at the corner of her lips. Unintentionally looking seductive with her head tilted down, lips on her skin and sparkling eyes looking upwards, a hint of a smile on her face. Maura's breath hitches and her heart feels like it is going triple time.

She prays she doesn't go vasovagal.

Maybe Jane remembered after all, maybe Jane knows, or heard her, or feels something more.

Or maybe it is just a perfectly innocent gesture.

* * *

THE END


End file.
